DAMN mom and DAMN her annoying bitching.

I don't care that much if she's going to pry into my life and make a few comments about it, but I DO care that she's trying to make me go her way just by yelling at me.

I don't care if she's going to complain about me not practicing everything, but if she thinks I'm going to do what she says just because she says to do it, BITCH you are WRONG.

I don't even feel guilty about calling her a bitch either. I guess I really am a bad girl.

BITCH.

Unnoticeable Guilt and Weeping

Shit, man. Shit shit shit.

I pray to God and I practice for EVER and try to get myself optimistic for this big audition and what happens during the damn event?!

FUCK. Fuck everything. Fuck the auditioner, fuck my brain, fuck my lame scaredy cat inside, fuck my brain to body coordination, and SCREW YOU FAT MANILA FOLDERS!!

I am in the preparation room, this giant cafeteria at the school to get ready for my audition. Right about now they were on number twenty something and I had come in late so I was, what, #107? At first I kept myself optimistic and decided that it was a good thing that I was waiting this long, because I could get a little more practice in. So, I practiced my scales, my exerpts, and a little of my etudes to warm up my fingers so I could get ready.

At this point I was feeling pretty good about myself, and I let a little bit of my pride slide into my thinking process: "Compared to everybody else in this section of the cafeteria, DAMN I am good."

And I knew the real reason why I wanted to get in a good chair. It wasn't for self satisfaction or the satisfaction of my relatives. Sometimes I would remember my true goal and smile to myself, thinking that maybe he would finally know that it was true that I asked the orchestra teacher to put me in the second violins... I wanted to prove myself to somebody.

And so the pattern ensued during my practicing in the cafeteria. Practicing, resting, listening to ipod, practicing again. I tried to perfect every mistake and I let myself be a little smug to keep my optimism up. Every time somebody else messed up on a particular section, I would play it to make sure I didn't have any mistakes and to make sure they got the point: there's a better person than you.

My mom says that while it is bad to have false pride, a little amount of prideful optimism could help you in a performance or an audition. "Imma ace this" was what I said in my head constantly to myself, and I admit, although I'm feeling guilty about my bursts of pride and smugness, it felt pretty good at the time.

But good GOD. When I went into the audition room, even when the teacher's tone of voice was extremely bored and annoyed, I wasn't even nervous or anything. My optimism was still there. I thought nothing could stop me mentally, until I started my scales.

I was doing exactly as I had practiced, and I added a bit of flair to some of the higher notes to make it seem like a more stylistic scale, but right SMACK in the middle of my second scale the auditioner frickin DROPPED A PILE OF MANLIA YELLOW FOLDERS ON THE FLOOR DURING MY AUDITION AND I JUST STOPPED COMPLETELY.

Holy SHIT that should NOT have gone against me that much. I stopped and said without thinking because I was really worried, "Are you okay?"

The auditioner replied in an annoyed to hell voice "Please don't talk."

Add THAT to my list of reasons why I HATE redneck teachers.

And my scores...my damn scores...everything else was okay...I got higher results in my excerpt than most of the people above me, and STILL that damn scale totally flipped me off and now I'm in an extremely bad chair for my standards and my goal. Roughly, somebody who sat there would have the same amount of skill as the last chair in my orchestra. Now he'd think he KNOWS that I belong in that chair.

It's not fair, he was 2nd chair 1st violin when he auditioned for Districts. I knew I was capable of doing that if I practiced really hard, but now I've ended up failing everybody before me. The three violins that made all the high chairs before I did who were from my middle school, and I just broke the chain of pro violinists. What if even the teacher starts to compare me to them?

But what the hell am I thinking, I wasn't even in the highest orchestra in my 7th grade year in middle school, I'm not even on the same scale as them, and I know I shouldn't challenge myself with people so good at what I thought I was good at. I'm just a tiny piece of hay in a field of nails.

I bet they don't even know I'm from the same school as them. Why do I try so hard and overthink these things so much? Now I'm just pissed because of the teacher and I think now I'm just wailing for disappointing myself. I don't think I want to go to their practices anymore.

People who say I'm really good at violin don't have any meaning. I want somebody a lot better than me to compliment me. Then I'll know it's genuine and not just admiring. They'd be able to see that I stood out.

Or maybe I'm just not cut out to be a violinist anymore, and I should go find some other profession in the future. Does this make me a quitter? I don't even know. I'm stressed about things most people wouldn't care about. I just wanted to prove myself to the people who got higher achievements than me. Now who would I make an impression on in my freshman year with this stupid shit of a chair?

Suicide lament....NOT

These days I have just been complaining and complaining and cursing about all the things my dear old mum has been doing to me. Sure, my friends listen, but I really needed to let off some real steam.

My parents recently got me a laptop. I'm so excited and everything but at the same time it's all just so ANNOYING how I'm a pastor's kid and my parents care too much about the STUPIDEST THINGS (have you read the other blog post about that?) They decided, even though that this laptop is going to be for my personal use, I am not allowed to take my OWN laptop to my OWN room. What's worse, it's not even my room. I share it with my sister. (There's no use whining about that, though, since we only have 3 bedrooms and my other sibling is a male)

My dad thinks it's pointless to compare myself to others, and sometimes it's true, but for this one I really need to bring something to attention. EVERY PERSON WHO IS NOT ME THAT HAS A LAPTOP HAS IT IN. THEIR. ROOM. Every person being my friends, most people online, and most people with a webcam that could just as easily do some video chatting.

On the other fucking hand, I am using my "personal" laptop in the living room. I have a built in webcam, but I'm not even allowed to go on my video chatting sites without asking my parents. And even if they give me PeRmIsSiOn to talk to my friends face to face, it's so embarrassing how I have to do it in the living room. I don't even have headphones!! I'm talking to my friends in plain hearing range and my parents can hear my friends talking as well.

Also, just now I've been chatting on my email account with my friends and all my mom has been doing for the last 20 minutes is SLEEP RIGHT BEHIND ME. My laptop is connected to the wall so I can't move, and I just can't open the video chatting window. When I finally bring the idea of me video chatting up to my mom, she IMMEDIATELY starts talking half drowsily about how I'm being so lazy, thinking that finishing my textbook notes which are like 10 pages long is not sufficient enough reason for me to actually get to have my ass on a floor with my laptop in a private space so I can talk to my friends.

She just keeps talking on and on about how I don't play my violin as much as I do my homework. Well, duh, mom, who in high school has the time to play the violin after, like, 5~6 hours of homework? And you tell me to go to sleep early!

Once again, I am defending my mom and saying that she is not altogether a bad person, it's just she can't stop her mouth from running, and I have not actually gotten up and talked to her about how annoying she is when she's nagging me. Who would? I'm not that rude to my mom. Goes to show, doesn't it, when I'm letting off so much steam HERE than I am facing my own problems?

My arms and fingers hurt, I've been typing furiously and obnoxiously loudly for about 10 minutes now. And I've just been thinking, what if I actually DID get hurt? What if I came so close to death because of an attempted suicide and I left behind a note explaining exactly why I commited suicide? All for making a better world for my brother and sister, a world without running mouths and allowed complete privacy. Oh yeah, and for parental awareness of how much hard work I DO go through without them knowing. All the little things I did for them to make sure they weren't annoyed by my siblings, how much I had to keep them safe in the house while they were out, cleaning the house about every day so not too many toys were on the ground.

All those things would suddenly pop out at them once I disappeared, and they would suddenly realize the significance of my existence and how much more they owe me than they think. I'm not ungrateful, but I do wish they would be grateful of ME and let me have more freedom to decide some things on my own.

Hell, no, it would suck to die for real. But it just soothes me sometimes, thinking about how much my parents don't know, but I wish they would at least fucking TRUST me not to do anything bad on this laptop, like watch porn or something. For heaven's sake, I'm not a perverted male figure.

I don't want to die. But sometimes I wish there was something as effective to my parents as death that would make them feel SO. FUCKING. SORRY. for some things. I sound like an emotional sadist or something.

Living up to unimportant standards and obsessing over certain things

So, it was a nice day today, all the way up til Orchestra.

DAMN the kids who think challenging the freshmen is all right. Bunch of cowardly nags.

Hah, challenges. All these kids behind you challenge you and you pwn them, all these older people who think freshmen are easy bait challenge you. Not your best day, but hey, at least you didn't lose your seat.

I got challenged by two people today, and I kept my seat. There is NO. WAY. I am going to first violin. NEVER. neverevereverever. I like my seat, I like my section, I like my stand partner. LEMME STAY HERE!!

But alas, I am not in the mood for rambling about that. What I'd much rather talk about is something else that's been bothering me for a long time.

The first three chairs in my orchestra are filled with three people who went to my middle school and sat in the front of our middle school orchestra. So goes the legacy of the first chairs:
3 years ago: Senior at TJHSST
2 years ago: Junior at my school
1 year ago: 2 Sophomore rivals at my school
this year: me

The senior is really good, I think he's totally serious about his violin...unless he aims to be an engineer or something (that would be a total waste of talent). I once played as orchestra concertmaster for his duet with this viola senior also in TJ. Nerdy musicians. :D

You know what sucks? I mean, my middle school is known to rival this other school for 1st place every year, but it turns out, most of the people think that my middle school is really good just because of that one junior who went to it. DAMN, she's a total pro and she sits up front, never rivaled, always first chair in our high school orchestra. I heard that she also got first chair in Senior Regionals.

The two sophomores are right up there too, and they've been rivals ever since middle school. The whole orchestra pitts them against each other, even the teacher. Although it's cool to them and everything, they're totally different when it comes to their violins, so I don't think they should be compared. After all, who would pit a guy and a girl against each other? Well, I guess it makes sense, since a lot of love manga that I hear of has something to do with rivals. Hmm...

But although the junior and the sophomores are all the way up in front of the orchestra, there is one complete idiot and loser who managed to fail herself and go all the way to the bottom of the whole freakin orchestra.

Nah, I'm exaggerating about the chairs. I'm actually in the front somewhere in the 2nd violins. But I'm soooo humiliated. Before I came, they were probably all, Look at all those middle school alumnis! They're all the way in the front of the highest orchestra! Look at how well they play! Oh, there's a freshman coming up from the same middle school as them! Watch out for her! She's--oh.

THAT, my friends, is where I fail.

And yeah, some people might say I'm too obsessive or overreacting over this, but I'm just that kind of person when it comes to standards and instruments. I think I'm paranoid when it comes to these things, as well. And I sometimes think there's some special connection between me and somebody else even if we only sat next to each other and shared, like, two words. *hides head in shame*

Oh, well, it's not like I spend my free time typing in a blog instead of talking to my friends, right? Right?

Birthday...Another Day Closer to Death

So, my birthday is coming up in over a week, and I'm not really THAT excited. I mean, one more year towards my driver's license and all (yay!) but my birthdays haven't really been that festive over the years.

I was never one for extravagant birthday parties, for one thing. Don't get me wrong, I love birthday parties, but I never really got the gist of throwing one, except that one I had in 1st grade where I invited my class to a moon bounce place, I forgot what it was called. But we had all these inflated obstacle courses, huge slides, and a giant moon bounce. But other than that, I'd never thrown a REAL birthday party, so I never got much presents. I don't advertise my birthday.

My birthday this year falls on a Sunday, so no chance of getting presents from school friends. Not that I had any real friends yet. Right now, I'm just stuck in my middle school group, where we just huddle together, but I, unlike them, was not the outgoing type so didn't have many friends in middle school anyway. I just knew them, that was all. And they knew me.

I know that a lot of people get these really cool presents from their family on that day, like maybe the boys get a video game, the girls get a new set of makeup or whatever, maybe some of them will get a digital camera. My depressing childhood never got me into any of those things. I never got many presents from my parents, therefore I ended up not wanting many things. I think this is a serious mistake, since now I can't act cute like a girl does to her boyfriend or older brother. No experience.

I'm not ungrateful, though, my parents are pretty nice and stuff. They just never indulge us. Sometimes, I have no idea what they are thinking, raising us up with little to no gifts, never letting us decide for ourselves how long we want to be on the computer, and making us go to sleep early. All the while, they used to talk to us and try to understand us, but lately that's not happening. All three of us are sick of sitting at the kiddy table.

My sister just wants to be treated like a big girl, like most 3rd graders, and my brother is tired of my dad telling him to suck it up and stop crying when he's stressed (my brother is a little on the sensitive side). Of course, he does need to stop crying, but I don't think my dad ever wondered why my brother would cry anyway.

And me? I just want to decide SOME things for myself. My parents make it seem like everything was my choice from the beginning, but they cut down whatever I suggest, once again leading us back to where I don't even ask for anything.

I don't have a depressing childhood, since I'm alive and healthy. I didn't live like Harry Potter, under the influence of two greedy idiots and locked behind bars. I'm not ungrateful, since my parents are so nice about grades. I'd kind of rather have them be strict about my grades, because if they were, they would care less about other things and think that my bedtime was second to finishing my homework.

The birthday presents: my parents think that giving me a present means that I have to pay them back that amount later. They apparently think that a present means getting something earlier than intended. Fine, whatever, I don't care anyway. I'm going to convince myself of this someday. Then I really won't care and I won't every shed these stupid tears again for this trivial an issue.

Friends: I have best friends from other schools, and right now they're kind of my only outlet to the world of people. We're chatting almost every night, and while they listen to me, they can't sympathize with me since they actually DO have parents who give them choices and care more about their grades than their curfew.

The only friend that actually sympathizes with me, doesn't care about our duty as good people, and doesn't listen to whatever curse words I say to it is my violin. Tough life, huh? I think either I don't have a life or violin is just dominating most of the outlets in my life.

I'm getting bad habits of sleeping these days. I'm waking up fretting at night and in the morning my eyes are terribly bloodshot. I'm not stressed or anything yet, though, so my only guess is I was crying in my sleep? I guess I'm a crybaby or something at night, then. I hope I'm not going crazy or breaking down or whatever.

So, as I sit here, in front of a computer with my Word document homework and the Internet up and running on a dank and depressing Saturday night, I'm thinking: maybe at church tomorrow I'll just pray that everything will just pass already. My birthday, Christmas, New Years, school term, everything that is hindering the summer mornings that I used to wake up in.

The inside of a seemingly innocent teen

Gah... I was playing an MMORPG game with my buddies over in Korea when suddenly out of fucking nowhere my mom goes "I think you've played games for too long now! Get off the computer!"

I've only been play for a fucking 30 minutes, what do you think I would accomplish in that little time?!

Although my parents are really nice and stuff, the fact still stands that some things that most kids would be doing is not allowed in our house.

For instance...

We have a strict curfew here. My mom probably doesn't really care about the time, but my dad is so strict about health and things like that. Every time we're doing something at like 9 PM or something, my dad has to remind us that "between 10 PM and 2 AM is when you grow the most." I suppose it's because he was always a bit short, even by asian kids standards. I was so mad that even when I'm in high school, I have a fucking CURFEW. It's so sad I'm gonna dig a hole and just die. Even if we're having a sleepover at our house, our parents still expect us to go to bed before curfew.

Not that we do, but it's still outrageous the way they expect me to follow their instigated curfew. I guess I'm just glad that most of my sleepovers with other kids when I was young was at THEIR house, not mine.

Damn, that isn't even the worst part. Even if I'm saying I'm "studying for my grades" or whatever, if it's past curfew, my dad just blows and tells me to get in bed. Well, if I don't live up to their asian standards, it's THEIR curfew and THEIR fault I'm not doing well.

Besides being asian, I'm also a pastor's kid, so that's probably why they got such a big parent-like syndrome coming on to me.

**OFF TOPIC
Have I ever mentioned that I would like to vlog someday? Like on YouTube or something. That would be cool, except then people would see my face coming out from a sucky camera screen. Maybe I'll wear a muffler or scarf or something to keep my head down. Actually, I'm starting to think it might not really work since I don't have a very emotionally tied face. It's very expressionless. And oh, crap, what if my parents are watching YouTube and they see me on? They'd get so pissed, not mentioning enforcing MORE computer limits. T^T

**BACK
What I don't understand is that my parents are completely okay with me staring at the computer screen for like an hour when it's filled with full word documents. If they even see my mouse TOUCHING the game launcher icon without asking them, they get so pissed you wouldn't believe.

They also put a fucking egg timer on my computer. How lame is that?! They expect me to use it when I'm online or on a MMORPG game, but no way in hell am I gonna use that damn thing.

Geez, if there's one more thing I hate about my parents, it's that whenever my dad feels like watching the TV when I'm playing video games on it, he automatically says something like "I think you should stop playing games now, you're over your time limit."

Of course I'm over my time limit, but the limit was like 2 hours ago. You're telling me to stop NOW? And as soon as I turn off the system, my dad flicks right to the ESPN channel to watch an almost finished tennis game.

Or if he doesn't particularly say that, he says "Why don't you go take a shower now? Think of all the people you met today and all the germs they might have spread on you."

Psh, yeah, right. I've been stuck at home for the last week. I've got nothing against showers and baths, but at the most inconvenient time? Not just that, but I always take a shower after lunch and in the morning. What the fuck are you trying to pull?

Unfortunately, I gave up on arguing with my parents a long time ago, since I'm afraid my online dirty mouth will somehow show an amazing performance in front of my parents. I don't want them to lessen their trust on me. And one thing I'm afraid of the most is that I'll cause my siblings to act like me. Heaven knows we can't have that.

I'm a loser at school, I have bad grades, I keep evil thoughts in my head, I'm rebellious on the inside, and I sure as hell am not good looking. It's probably because of all the scowling I do at home. Yeah, my siblings don't want to be me.

One day, though, when I don't feel obligated to do what my parents say, I'm gonna let 'em have it.

Curfew Break Part 1

I suddenly felt like reaccounting what I half-mentioned one or two posts ago, since I'm really bored and I don't want this memory to go to waste.

So, one stormy night during the retreat a one year younger friend I've known for a long time and I were in our dorm. I had just come out of the shower and she had come in the room after going off and doing something with the other girls that I had missed out on. When she saw me, she said she was STILL bored so she tried to drag me out of the girls' floor and outside where it was raining, but my hair was still wet so I said I'd get there later but she said she'd wait for me, so after about 10 minutes of blow drying my thick, way too healthy hair, I dragged myself down the stairs into the night.

I knew I had an umbrella in my room, but Rachel was too impatient so she dragged me all the way down the hill outside, in the rain, next to the trees. Now I know: lightning + trees = bad, but we wanted to get to the Big House before curfew. My friend speeded through the door first, and when I got to the lobby the first thing I saw was a foot. And it was in my face.

After I picked myself up, a slightly buff normal heighted guy said sorry and continued his taekwondo spar. His opponent was none other than our youth pastor, who used to be a martial arts teacher. I walked over to my friend and sat next to her and looked around. Two guys, four girls, and one youth pastor in total. Apparently the two sparring were showing off, because the rest of us were watching them and letting out occasional "oh my gosh"s and "whoa"s.

So for a count of all people, here's how I'll call them. They're all asian, by the way.

Guy #1 is a moderately tall and thin rising 9th grader who wears glasses and has a record of moving through girls fairly quickly. He is a moderate guy, very funny, quiet on stage, and pretends to be mean at times. Gentle when he wants to be, moderately athletic.

Guy #2 is a rising seventh grader, although his looks and speech quirks tell otherwise. He knows all the middle school guy talk and has already had a voice change. He is as tall as Guy #1, and slightly more muscular (possibly because of his status as a black belt in taekwondo). Big eyes and looks ages younger when smiling. He could go really well with the ladies if he tried, especially older girls. You know that type.

Girl #1 is big faced and has small eyes, nose, and mouth. Rising 8th grader. Resembles pig and is a wannabe everything. Her mosquito voice and the need to say everything that she thinks of is why some people avoid her. She also sometimes likes getting attention through others care.

Girl #2 is my bespectacled friend, a rising 8th grader. There is almost nothing unlikeable about her, except that she can be a little too bossy at times. A normal, outgoing kid who smiles at all the right things and is a terrific jazz and pop singer. Cute at times and knows who to trust and is an outdoorsy person, always on the go.

Girl #3 is a very patient rising 9th grader. who can stand even Girl #1. She gets along with guys and girls alike and is very cute. She knows how to gossip but never does, and teases guys all the time. Loves what any normal girl loves: shopping, younger guys, highlighted hair, joking with guys. Knows all the right things to say and easy to get along with. Takes kumdo (which might be the source of her patience).

Girl #4 is me.

After our pastor finished sparring with Guy #2, the kid suggested that they have a rematch with a sprint race, roughly 30~40 meters from the end of the hall to the door. Girl #3 acted as the finish line and stretched her arms out to make a T, and the results kept saying it's a tie. Guy #1 wanted to race Guy #2 and Guy #2 won by half a second, but Guy #1 insisted that the double glass door being closed made him slow down, so we opened the doors so it was fair. However, in the rematch Guy #1 promptly crashed into the wall next to the doors. All of us started laughing and I went to help him up, and as he got up, he was laughing and red in the face.

We decided to go into the auditorium since it was a bit chilly and we didn't want to crash into any more walls.

Telepathy on a table

You know how you have this giant blank from a sport and then you suddenly get back into it? But then - with a terrible jolt of astonishment - you realize that all your talents for that sport have suddenly (and mercilessly) left you to rot at the expense of your own foolishness that you created with the fantasy that you could play your favorite sport again?

Damn, it's a terrible feeling.

On a completely different complaint, it also feels really bad when you have been thinking of using a field, table, or court soon and suddenly out of nowhere two people decide to hog it. Even though you know it was your fault for not claiming that ground first, you just can't help but blame the people who took it for taking what you wish was rightfully yours by mental claim.

Here I am, with nothing better to do with myself and being especially irritated today. Not just because my teenage self reached an emotional peak, but because of more... let's say... physical problems. Maybe I'm blaming this problem for my sudden lack of talent, but let me just say that whether it was just me or some real problem, there is some serious issues going on here.

For one, I came over to my church to play a lax game of ping pong. Yeah, I know, Chinese stereotype and all, but let me tell you, I am NOT Chinese and I have NEVER actually took lessons on this sport. If it could ever be called a sport. Ping pong requires patience and lots of thought, so unless you're prepared for some hard-ass mental breakdown, I suggest you not play this game.

It's almost as mind wearing as Kumdo.

Speaking of minds, I loved X-Men First Class and their new cast. Especially the two main dudes, Charles Xavier and Erik... thingy. I forget their names, but I do remember that the man who played Charles Xavier in First Class also voiced Gnomeo and played Mr. Tumnus. I absolutely LOVE his Scottish accent. If you concentrate, in the movie you can hear Xavier slipping from the English into Scottish. Despite the slip-up being a total unintentional mistake, I loved hearing some of the actor's quirks come out in the movie.

Oh, and another thing: I love psychological warfare. If there was such thing as telepaths I would definitely try my best to run into radiation and get that mutation. But seeing as I don't have much mental patience at this age, I probably would be really bad at telepathy.

Which brings us back into the patience part of table tennis. Because the table is so small and the ball is harder to control, you need to channel your power in a completely different way than real tennis. In here, instead of focusing on running for the ball and hitting it ferociously towards the general "area" of the court, you must focus on NOT ferociously hitting the ball. You have to think about every twist of the wrist and every step you take. Balance is key, and getting the ball over the net isn't everything.

Kuk... tak... kik... tak... kuk... snap.

Of course, for some of the more serious tennis players, this applies to them too. But the difference is that you don't need to condition yourself physically for the miniature table. Mental balance is what you really need.

And despite being a complete noob at this "ping pong" game, I've already gathered data on the various differences of each human mind as they play the sport. It's quite unnerving, really, how ferociously calm each player is while they're shooting and returning these really fast plastic yellow-and-white balls. Conditioning yourself? Forget it. This is where the hardest battles are played.

Bottom line: Ping Pong is not easy. >P

HIJACKED = PISSED.

Hey, just came back from an AWESOME 2박 3일 summer retreat!! Actually, I'm not even excited anymore because i was sleeping on the bus ride back home for like 1 1/2 hours and it was REALLY hot and stuffy in there. But I had my own seat, anyway, so the ride wasn't all that bad.
 
But for now, I am not going to talk about my summer retreat and talk about THIS instead: what awaited me back at home.
 
So I'm really really tired, right? I mean, I hadn't even slept last night (reason comes later) and was stuck in a very bipolar room. One second it would be hot then the next second it would be cold, you know what I mean? And since I had a sweatshirt, not a regular jacket, I had to keep my sweatshirt on and only hope to get enough air when I roll up my sleeves in hot temperatures. Really, these wierd A/C controlled rooms can seriously get your body tired from melting then freezing back up again. >:P
 
My bus let us off at our church, and from there I had to wait like 1 hour until my mom finally came out of the KM young adults service and started driving me home. I swear, the moments after retreats just feel like another last day of school aftermath. I feel terrible, even though I'll be seeing everybody again next Sunday. What sucks is that, just because you were friends during retreat does NOT mean that you will be friends for the other Sundays. Like, already I've been excluded from an originally 7 person group (now narrowed down to 4) and the only reason we actually bonded was we were all up together. (Doing what? Comes later) So, it's just, you know, 7 teenage asians in junior high grades (7~9) all holed up together, at night, and you know what's going to happen next.
 
Boy #1 started hitting on Girl #2.
 
Wait, no, hold up, I said I wasn't gonna say anything because I'm supposed to be talking about what happened after the retreat, when I got home!! What's wrong wit chu fool?
 
Okay, so I'll stop explaining and get to me finishing unpacking all my stuff from my sportsbag on my 3rd floor. Dirty clothes in laundry, unused clothes back in dresser. Bible in bookshelf. Toothbrush and toothpaste in bathroom toiletries cup, arranged so that the toothbrush's bristles face outwards. Floss on the back corner of the sink, 45 degree angle.
 
I come back to the 2nd floor, where my computer is sitting there, just begging me to turn it on. Something tells me something wierd is going to happen. When I login to my first and most used email account, there are red words saying I didn't put in the right password. Usually, I don't make huge mistakes when I'm typing letters, so there really is no reason for that to appear. But just in case, I try entering my password again, slowly so I don't miss any letters. Red words again.
 
Suspecting some sort of odd hack, I go to my backup email and try to log into that one. I try to log in 5 times until I give up and continue my login attempts at a completely isolated 3rd email, which has no connection whatsoever with the other two emails. Okay, I got into this one on the first try, which means there's no problem with this email site or my computer. I go to Facebook so I can change my email address to my 3rd email which is now more secure than the other two.
 
After I change the email address and send an email to my friends to start emailing me on my 3rd email, I go to enter a lot of information on my backup email to retrieve it so I can go on from there to get back my 1st email. It takes forever, and I have to fill in things like "When did you create the account?" where I would just pick a reasonable year and my birthday month. This is taking way too long...
 
I finally finish it, and I'm so glad it's over; I send my results to my 3rd email. But wait, who is that scrawny boy walking up to me with a portable game system in his hand?
 
My brother tells me he had to reset the password and everything on both my email AND my backup email just so he could see the books I borrowed from the library. He gives me the new password, a mediocre 4th grade statement, which I furiously punch into the computer. I jam the Enter button and I log in to my 1st email. From there, I go straight to the Settings toolbar to change my password back to my old one. What the... They won't let me change to my old one!!! My brother must have chosen the "I think my account has been hacked" option, which therefore prevents that password from ever being used again. The whole time, I am thinking, "YOU COULD HAVE LOOKED AT THE RECEIPT IN THE COVER OF ONE OF MY BOOKS INSTEAD OF MAKING ME GO THROUGH ALL THIS TROUBLE!!"
 
So then I proceed to thinking about the new passwords I would have to instigate into my two previous accounts. My old password was the verification code from the worldwide internet dolls known as Webkinz. It was such a good password, too; a perfect random combination of letters and numbers. What now, should I try making my password something more literal? Such as, "I love TOFU" or some other crush nickname? (Those are pretty popular these days) Even now, I'm still thinking about that new password... And trust me, you do NOT want to keep the password my dear bro came up with. Seriously, I need a new password PRONTO.
 
I also need to find a flyswatter big enough to whack a certain oversized pest with..

finally caught on.

It finally hit me hard: my middle school days are over.

I mean, it's not like I would take the time to walk through the doorway of every classroom just to commendate "THE LAST TIME I WILL EVER WALK THROUGH DOOR NUMBER WHAT THE FUCK."

To tell you the truth, it's kind of lame how I just realized that school was over seven days after the last day of school. This past week just felt like a prolonged Saturday. Or maybe even kind of like a spring break of sorts. I guess I'll be blogging and foruming more than ever now.

Actually, what I'm currently applying for isn't even a forum. It's roleplaying. I've actually never done it before, so I really don't know what it's like trying to write stories about a character that's already been made up by someone else. And the damn application just isn't going well, it takes too long to finish. I tried telling that to the person who made me sign up for the damn thing but seriously, it's too fucking hard to finish the application in time.

The roleplaying part isn't actually that hard, I mean, I bet I would have fun doing it if I tried, but the stupid application is just..... blargh.

Anyway, it's been summer since a week ago. Which means I probably won't even have anything to write about, except for maybe how tired I am every morning. Oh yeah, and the occasional swimming pool visit. I'm thinking maybe I'm going to sign up for a sport next year after I start conditioning myself over the summer at Lifetime. Now that I have no Gym period and I have this condition where if I don't eat I get really skinny and if I eat a lot I'll get fat really quickly, I decided to maybe change my eating habits or something.

Honestly, I'm getting so fat these days my skin is just flapping everywhere. I need to work out.

...Or maybe, instead of working out and getting all sweaty, I could just go on a diet. Actually, no, because I hate diets. I hate limiting how much I eat. It's better to eat all you want and go work out afterwards than to limit what you eat and start craving more later.

I wish there was a way of working out without sweating, but you know, that's what people say: "Sweating is the beauty of working out" or something like that. But God, if I could just find a way to lose fat without limiting my food or sweating, I would definintely go for it. Except things medication related. Oh, wait, I could just go swimming some more, maybe that would help.

I wonder if you can burn fat by riding roller coasters? :3

I FREAKING WANT A TREADMILL AT MY HOUSE. Currently, the only exercise equipment I have at my house is a pull up bar and this lever thing that you strap your ankles to and then flip backwards. (I don't even know how that helps, but hey, it works.)

If I really wanted to get serious about this conditioning thing, maybe the first thing I have to do is build stamina. Hell, no, I'm not going to go run like a fool outside in a hot pink training jumpsuit. Although, I hear it's healthier to run at night than in the morning. I could hide whatever colors I wear at night, but the air is so damn hot. I think that's why they said it was healthy, since it has all the air residue from the rest of the day. You breathe all kinds of air at once. God, that sounds gross.

There's something else that's been bothering me, too. Now that I'm going to high school, I don't know if I should change alibis or not. I didn't for the transition between elementary and middle school because a lot of people from elementary school already knew me by the name they gave me, so it would have been nearly impossible to change my name then.

Maybe the same goes for high school, but not a lot of people from my middle school are going to my high school since most of them have been transferred to the well-known asian-discriminating Thomas Jefferson High School. Whatever, man, I've already been to a TJ school, it's called TJ elementary.

Mmf, but if I had my way I would go to where the most people from my middle school are going, since a lot of my friends are going there and everybody says it's a great place for music. It's cool, you know, but they also say that this other high school has an awesome art teacher. I'm taking photography, though, so that hardly matters. And I've had my fair share of hypocritical and narcissist art teachers.

And I ran out of hobby ammo (crane paper), so maybe it's time I got started on that application...

I found this from a while ago, too: http://www.personaldna.com/report.php?k=EROWoXOsXkqNSVW-AD-ADAAA-29d0

I love this website. I kind of hate it, too.

today is such a perfect day, and nobody is going to puncture this happy balloon. :)

i played violin for old people today and despite the cheesiness or the lameness of it all, i quite enjoyed it. we got free food that the WW2 veterans got and some total PIG ate like 3 piled dishes of it. well i guess he's a growing boy? :/

but it was all the leftovers so i guess we were okay to eat as much as we wanted. i felt really bad taking food that was meant for them but hey, leftovers were for anyone who's left. (that was not intended)

퀸텟도 예쁜 곡을 많이 들어주니까 박수하는 사람들도 많았다. 하지만 그것보다 더 좋았던건 애들과 놀았던 시간이었다.  얘기를 많이 나누고 애들하고 좋은 시간을 보냈다. 탐하고 더 좋은 사이가 되었다면 좋겠지만 그건 내가 정하는거가 아니니까 모르겠다. 퀸텟 곡을 연주할 때마다 나는 탐밖게 못 봤다. 탐을 볼 수 있을때마다 나한테 완전 해피한 순간이다. ㅋ

퀸텟 다하고 각각 우리 반으로 가야됐다. 탐의 반은 내 반 바로 옆이라서 같이 걸어갔다. 우리 둘이 똑같히 반으로 가고싶지 않아서 천천히 걸었다. 얘기 좀 하고 나중에 내가 먼저 반으로 들어가면서 내가 일부러 웃으면서 바이바이를 했다. 탐은 아주 약간 놀랐다. 이번엔 재발 탐이 나를 친구로 봤으면 좋겠다.

하지만 퀸텟 안할 때 탐은 나랑 하나도 얘기를 안한다. 혹시 내가 우리학교에서 더 잘나가는 애가 아니라서 그럴 수도 모르겠다. 그래서 내년에 나는 내 성격을 좀 바꿔야돼겠다.

탐이 어느 고등학교로 가는지 모르겠지만 우리학교였으면 좋겠다. 그런데 왠지 아닌거 같다. 다음 퀸텟 연습이나 개학전날에 물어야겠다. 그리고 내가 이제 탐의 핸드폰 번호를 아니까 여름에 아마 문자를 보낼 수도 모르겠다. 제발 나를 있지 않았으면 좋겠다. 내가 좋아하는 타미.. 사랑해요~

i love how when you're writing a story/novel, in the beginning nobody's reading it except you. so you can write whatever story you want and there would be nobody there to criticize you. i'm having a lot of fun writing this story.

i've just come back to blogging because i was bored. i've noticed there's no point to my blog anymore, my life is just too boring. i guess most of my blogs could be read like a video on youtube or something (or maybe just a vlog) but this is just stupid.

i'm bored so i guess i'll talk about...something.

im writing this at around 6:00 AM because i took like a 4 hour nap yesterday and i stayed awake for at least 3 hours last night because i slept too much.

i hate how my keyboard makes so much noise around this time. its like my keys sound is being magnified to like a thousand times louder so the whole house could probably hear it. which isn't saying much, because my house is just a three story townhouse. i think you could fart in my house's 1st floor and people could hear it on my 3rd.

they say fart is an inappropriate word. i guess i'm supposed to call it flatulence since my school's English teacher hates it when we don't use big words and use little "inappropriate" words. i have no idea what she means by that. because if you look at my blog, there's so many things my English teacher would hate if she saw.

i dont really care, though, because like stories, i can write anything i want on my blog and nobody will care. except maybe the people who know me who find this blog and follow it.

it's kinda the reason why i made a completely new email for this blog. i just wanted some privacy, you know? but then i made a mistake by telling a person from my school that i was the person who commented on her blog a year ago.

a pretty stupid move on my part. i wanted privacy but i just ruined it myself. can't blame anyone now. but i know that person keeps secrets so i'm fine. i guess.

there are some things i can't tell anyone but my good friend in Maryland who i've been in touch with over email for at least 2 years. i love how she doesn't go to my school and nobody at hers know me, and we're best friends. so i can virtually lie to her and she would believe me. but who would like to the only friend you can talk to? i can act like a girl around her, she won't mind, she would think i was always like that. i love my best friend. i could talk about ANY of my problems, and she wouldn't judge me because i never judged her when she told me about her problems.

i just got a micro sd card on my phone. you have no idea how awesome that is to me, since the card didn't come with my phone like most other phones. it was optional. so now even though i don't have an ipod or anything, i can still listen to the music i like with my cell. i'm just so glad i downloaded real music onto my phone before the 3 hour trip to busch gardens last friday, because turns out my dad had already downloaded CCMs onto my phone. i don't like half of them because i don't like listening to 40 year old korean men singing. NOT music to MY ears.

someday i wish i would go to LA and meet famous people. i wish i took some martial arts class, because i seem like the only asian i know who doesn't take martial arts. i wish my parents would let my sign up for a soccer team. i wish i wasn't a pastor's kid. i guess sometimes i wish the right people from school would read my blog and not know who it was. i wish i had as many friends as everybody else at school.

or at least i do have friends, but i'm such a boring person that nobody talks about me. nobody talks about the seemingly quiet shy boring middle schooler who never does anything fun (or at least that's what they think).

blogging is fun, i can let off steam and feel pretty good about it because nobody's here to stop me or embarrass me or whatever. although i feel bad when i'm running my mouth and cursing my ass off. eh, whatever, habits go away a lot. i need to stop cursing i think i'm freaking some people out at school.

because who knew the quiet asian girl would have such a dirty mouth?

i guess i'm kinda weird, too, because there's some things that i do that a lot of people might think is really odd.

when i smile, i smile crookedly. one side of my mouth goes up first so i look like i'm showing a cocky smile. cocky and proud expressions don't look good on me, either.
sometimes when i'm spaced out, without knowing it, i stare at a person for 10 seconds.
i like manga/anime but hate the wannabe japanese.
i don't judge people but i'm sometimes racist.
i'm one person to some people and i'm another person to others. i don't have a personality because i act differently to every person. it's kind of the reason why i signed up for theatre arts; i wanted to observe the actions of other people. to gain more "data," i guess? :/
people who play instruments are pretty well known, i've heard. not at our school, because playing instruments isn't that special. everybody plays instruments here.
i talk to myself.
난 음악 곡을 못 읽는다. 하지만 거희 아무도 모르니까 상관 없다. 퀸텟 같이 하는 애들한테 그 사실을 알려줬으니까 그 애들이 내가 이상하다고 생각을 할 수도 있다. 아니면 잊어버렸어도 모르겠다.
i eat breakfast. nobody eats breakfast anymore. whatever happened to all the spongebob influences and the do you like waffles song?

great. now somebody else is awake and i have to stop blogging.

well.

short sentence, here we go:

despite the 200 million (3%) people from the world who said it will be, it did not happen.

oh, and i started writing a novel! *wicked smile*

today Rapture? totally bs.

all right, so i wanted to address something really debated these days, especially today, and it's involved with Harold Camping. yep, i'm talking about the infamous "prophecy" this "Bible scholar" is giving about the end of the world. if i could, i would submit writing or whatever to some published newspaper because apparently even the CHRISTIANS are believing this end of the world bullshit.

i'm not saying the end of the world isn't coming anytime, i'm just saying it's wrong for this Camping guy to guess what God is doing. because, i mean, come on, doesn't it say specifically in the Bible that people aren't supposed to know the day or the hour of this thing? or is this guy just so thickheaded that all he thinks about is the Bible and not the nature of which the people's belief of Jesus came from?

it's not wrong to read the Bible, but whatever happened to the end of the world being secretive? what happened to this guy's idea of believing what the Bible says about people not knowing the end of the world? because now i swear even if i have a really dirty tongue i want to live and die a Christian who READS the Bible.

i did think once that maybe there wouldn't be any demoninations of Christians if we just all read and believed and did what the Bible tells us to do instead of getting all argumental about the interpretations. i'm sorry, but i'm just a shallow minded girl who just wants to love God, end of story. i follow God because i'm grateful he already saved me.

so will we please stop worrying about the end of the world?

there's this girl i knew since the day she was born and i once thought she was a pretty good young Christian...until she started getting paranoid about this end of the world stuff. she had a Buzz post on Gmail that said, "The END is coming!!" and a Facebook post that said, "Spread the Word, spread the Word, because something's coming soon!"

thankfully, i got there just in time before she started going a bit overboard. i hope with all my heart she read my comments because i really don't want her to be all confused if the thing really isn't 6:00 PM today. i'm not sure, nobody's supposed to be sure, but if somebody's already guessed it's at 6 today then it probably isn't because again, according to the Bible, we're not supposed to know and it's supposed to come kinda like a thief in the middle of the night.

guys, we're not supposed to be guessing this. i haven't actually gotten started ranting on this blog post, and i've already written so much. but maybe the real reason i'm blogging about this issue is because i want to calm other people down, even if they're not reading my blog post. or maybe because i'm even doubting myself?

i'll admit, i may not be a typical "good Christian" or whatever they expect me, a pastor's kid, to be, but i'm terrified for the end of the world when i shouldn't be and my brain's going through mental chaos right now. the doctor even said yesterday that i'm going through a lot that's why i'm getting really bad migraines. apparently i've been stuffing crisises in the back of my head and it's all just exploded at once. so i guess i'm a bit mentally unstable?

this is bad, i've already gone through the borderline between my sanity and my other person and i didn't notice until now. sorry guys.

i've always had a split personality and i guess right now is my moment of truth, to decide who i really am, not because of the end of the world, but realizing how fragile my faith was when this apparent self defined Bible scholar used math to "prove" the date of the end of the world and i believed him.

it's stupid, but my parents were the one who pulled me back, and i couldn't do it on my own. i'm a fucking weakling, a damn retard. i think it's time for me to take my mental pills because now i'm going overboard.

believe in God and the Bible, guys, but i guess it's okay to have a crisis of doubt like this every once in a while because then you would actually see yourself for real again.

SOL blocks are SO annoying..

..and so is my "n" key. my n key isnt working to the point where i have to use the on screen keyboard to do all my typing things. i cant even curse online without it. actually, i hadnt even realized how much i need my n key to type everything. like i need it a LOT for all the words that end with -ing and all the words like "and." i have to click the mouse every five seconds!! grrrr... i am so annoyed almost to the point where i'm just going to stop blogging RIGHT NOW.

but im not, because today was almost the best day of my life. not really though?

today was the first SOL testing day at my school, and since these tests make everybody else get sorted into block periods, we had periods 1~3 for like 2 hours each. which was actually not that terrible, i mean, all my electives are in these periods and i'm taking my SOLs tomorrow. but what really sucked was that everybody has to have their gym period for like 2 hours. believe me, almost nobody liked that.

plus, it was raining right before we went outside, so the fields were covered in legit wet mud. actually since it was mostly open gym outside, it was like 2 hours of recess. i guess i should be glad that it wasn't sunny today; if i had to just stand outside doing nothing in that weather for 2 hours i would have had heatstroke or would have thrown a tantrum so violent it would have gotten me into boarding school.

but that's not really the point of this blog (although it probably already took a paragraph); i actually wanted to say something about my orchestra period today.

한글로 바꾸기..

오늘 오케스트라를 2시간쯤동안 했는데 그 2시간 중에서 1시간만 오케스트라를 했다. 왜냐하면 처음 1시간동안 우리 다섯명이 또 퀸텟 연습을 했다. 그 다섯명은

바이올린 1: 나
바이올린 2: 심 캐일라
비올라: 김효정
베이스: 티모씨 팔
첼로: 탐 팔리

꺄아아아아아악~! 난 또 탐하고 같히 퀸텟을 하다니! 그리고 선생님 몰래 우리 연습을 좀 일찍 끝내고 10분동안 얘기하고 놀고 까불었는데 너무 재밌었다~ ㅋ 그리고 탐하고 많이 얘기하고 사이가 좀 더 좋아졌으면 좋겠다. 그러면 좋아하는 마음도 못 알려주고 좋은 친구만이래도 됐으면 마음이 좀 편해지겠다. 그거 말고도 1000학을 막 접고있는데 방금 시작해서 5분만에 열한게 접었다.

그런데 왜 벌써 학교가 거희 끝났지? SOL 오늘 시작했고 8학년 댄스가 다가오고 방학은 1달만에 시작한다. 빨리 학 접어야겠다. ㅋ

탐에 집주소가 뭐지..?

i love how when you write in korean what you want to say comes it such short lines.

러브스토리~~ 좋아하는 남자가 생겼다!

어떤 애들이 이 블로그를 계속 읽고 있었다네.. 쩝..

애씨 귀찮아. 다른 사람들이 내 블러그를 본다니 쓰고싶은것을 못 쓰겠네.. 그래서 말야 이제부터 난 그냥 아무도 볼 쑤 없게 그냥 한글로 블로그를 써야징~ 거봐거봐 미국 애들이 못 읽잖아. ㅋ

아참 구글에서 영어로 바꿀 수 있잖아.. 아씨 진짜 이 사람들이..

그치만 계속 한글로만 쓰는건 넘 힘들어. 원래 재일 잘 쓰는 말은 영어인데말야.. 내 한국말 실력하고 영어 실력은 그렇게 다르지 않지만 (한글: 40% 영어: 60%) 내가 제일 싫은건 한글 타자지. 웬지 오늘 블로그를 원래 크기로 하면 너무 오래 걸릴거같애..

한글로 한 패이지 쓰는데 한 30 분 걸릴텐데.. 쩝..

하여튼 오늘은 좀 다른걸 대해서 쓸거야.

좋아하는 남자가 생겼어. 한글 이름은 모르겠는데 영어 이름은 탐 팔리. 한국애인데 미국 엄마 아빠랑 살더라. 성은 원래 서인데 그것도 바꾸니까 아마 부모가 없나봐.. 그치만 자기는 패북에 이름을 탐 팔리가 아니고 탐 서였더라. 그래서 한국애로 생각하나봐.

그래도 탐은 막 울고 그런애가 아닌데. 우리 학교에서 잘 나가는 애들중에 한 명이지. 작년하고 올해도 같이 오케스트라를 하고 한번 퀸텟도 해봤어. 우리 학교 오케스트라에서 첼로를 제일 잘하는 세 명 애들이 탐하고 조하고 에블린이지. (에블린은 여자라서 첼로에 예쁜 소리를 다 날 수 있어. 부러워..)

첼로 말고도 잘 하는건 많아. 탐은 진짜 우낀 애고 우리 나이 남자들처럼 행동하니까 거희 안 좋은 점도 없고. 나랑 짝을 못 하는 남자야.. 우리 학교에서 거희 아무도 모르는 애니깐.

나는 그냥 오케스트라에서 맨 앞에 앉아있는 바이올린. 안경 쓰고 공부는 잘하지도 않고 못하지도 않은 애. 옷 센스가 없는 애. 꾸짓꾸짓하게 생기는 애.

그레서 고등학교로 올라갈때 학교로 예쁜 옷도 입고 활짝 웃고 공부도 잘하고 인기가 많은 애가 돼려고 엄청 노력할거야. 내년애는 화이팅!

오늘 블로그는 좀 짧았네.. 이걸 쓰는데 한 20 분 걸렸어. 그치만 한글이 넘 좋아. Capital Letters 같은거 신경 안 써도 돼잖아. ㅎ

한글 사전 한 번도 안 썼징~ 근데 이러다가 한국으로 이사갔다가 큰일나겠네.. 한국에 인터내셔널 학교 투이션이 비싸던데..

암튼 내가 좋아하는 블로그에 가끔마다 한글로 쓰면 많이 늘겠지? ㅋㅋ 코리아 히어 아이 컴!

(이건 좀 랜덤하지만 매플스토리를 다운 받을까 라태일을 다운  할까? 음..)

no, i'm not a mother, but i'm hurt...

this is really retarded. its really not like me to blog in the morning but today i felt like i had to cuz what greeted me in the morning when i woke up is not the best experience of my life.

last night my siblings and i decided to sleep on the floor of the living room. we've been doing this for a while every weekend so it wasn't anything different. we just wanted to sleep all together in the same room. so we got our sleeping bags and our pillows and blankets and we all went to sleep

when i woke up, my bro was playing his DS under his blanket cuz our parents were still sleeping and my sis was just laying down staring at nothing. when my bro saw me up he said hey and we just stayed there doing nothing for the next maybe 10~15 minutes.

then my bro started bothering me to get up. no, not the little boy type of waking me up, like shaking me in my sleep trying to get me up, he just stood there and started telling me to get up. i was all, "what, our parents aren't even awake and it's not even time to go anywhere yet. why get up now?"

he said he wanted to play monopoly with me, and i said if he wanted to i would play with him. then he told me to get the monopoly box. i was all, "excuse me? you're the one who wanted to play monopoly now you're telling me to go get the monopoly box?" i wasn't angry or anything, i swear.

then my bro started to threaten me with lame threats like, "if you don't play monopoly with me, i won't play with our little sis then she would be bothering YOU to play with her." like i'm stupid. my sis is already going back to sleep. i told him this doesn't make any sense that i would get something that he came up with in the first place so he had a mental cow. and i could see it.

he went back and lied down, but about 5 minutes later, he went to get the box himself now he's playing on his own.

cuz you see, something went wrong in my brother the past couple of days. he's 12 now and that means he's a preteen. which goes on to mean he'll be hitting the emotional stage any day now. he's on his way, i'm sure of that at least. he's already started to become angry at everything.

but this isn't like the little brother i used to know. the whole time while he was telling me to play monopoly, i tried not to hit my angry button since i knew the last thing my bro needed right now was somebody being bossy TO him. which doesn't make sense, i know, but i know my brother well and he knows it. we even thought we had like a telepathy thing going on between us. once, that was a good thing.

...now i'm regretting knowing him so well back then cuz now i can see how much he's changed just because of growing up.

growing up is so cruel. cuz this is so bs how the little kids you used to know can be so rebellious when they get to that stage. i mean, my mom and dad haven't figured it out yet, but i can already tell my brother's going through whatever comes next.

i mean, i know my parents were the ones who raised my brother, but who's the one giving him help on his homework and playing with him and becoming the good older sibling? i'm the one who raised his potential. i raised him by playing the big brother and sister at the same time, as the older tomboy. once, we were tight. now we just hang out with each other whenever we have nobody else and it's our last resort.

please God, please tell me where i went wrong.

movies, then episodes, then more movies.

yo i hate it when people make a second movie to a series and they don't even make the characters look the same. they're doing it all the time now like kung fu panda 2. i guess this one would be funny sequel (it has jack black!!) but the one movie i'm really pissed about is hoodwinked 2.

it's probably really obvious if this is true, but hoodwinked 2 probably had different animators than the original movie. and i hear this one is about fat kids who got kidnapped by somebody or something like that. i never really cared, but it was just the fact that the animation sucks that got me kinda pissed.

but it's not just the sequels that piss me off, it's the nickelodeon episodes that come after the movies. dude i bet i can name at least 5 movies that had episodes made afterwards:

1) lilo and stitch
2) madagascar
3) ...and
4) many
5) more!!

im sorry it's just that i cant think of any at the moment. -_____-

the episodes are okay even though the animations can be somewhat different. im just glad they provide more entertainment after the movie like the penguins of madagascar. they're pretty funny. and movies that come after or during the episodes like spongebob (what i bet is a classic favorite of people of all ages) are cool too.

and we all know that movies that are made based on books suck all the time in comparison because they take away too much info cuz they have a cut time. i wish they didn't, cuz then we would be able to see the book cover to cover in real time animation and REAL PEOPLE! but the movies do kind of "mess up" the information a little.

remember the percy jackson and the olympians "lightning thief" movie? yep i heard clarisse isn't even in it and the cabins are all messed up. one of the major reasons i never went to the theatre to watch the movie. i just stayed at home like some loser who never gets out of the house and i'm just watching trailers of the movie on youtube.

by the way i was wondering if people can sue you for blogging about their trademarked stuff. O_O

FREE PC SCAN FOR YO-- /shot

YES! i got adobe flash player and now i can go watch youtube and play games!! well actually normally i dont play games at all on my computer but just to celebrate i played games almost all day yesterday (not counting school).

and this week is special because it's SPRING BREAK!! :D

but u know what sucks? that's right; spring break ended up in the same week as Passover Week. which means i, being a pastor's kid, might not be able to go hang out with my friends and will instead stay at home doing nothing for passover. i honestly dont understand why people think Passover should be a really important week for children. it's mainly for circumcised adults.

so now im just totally bummed out and not excited about spring break anymore :( there was no problem like this in southern VA since over there, we didn't have spring break on the same week as Passover.

my friend had the same crisis. she emailed me and asked what she should do. go to her bffls house and hang out or stay at home being the good Christian her parents want her to be? my logic: theres no point in forcing kids to celebrate passover if they dont feel like celebrating. its like forcing people to be Christian. i think people should celebrate holidays if they truly think it's special. if they dont think it's special to them, why celebrate it u know?

and thats exactly what i told my friend. i havent gotten a reply yet which i think means she hasn't read it yet, and for Internet security purposes, i will not copy and paste my reply to my friend.

that's right; i care about Internet security now.

u know those fake antivirus scans that hijack innocent websites? yeah those things that appear for no reason in the pop up box and say Warning! your computer is hacked and we will do a free scan and blah blah blah. im telling u, it's SUCH a pain (and i admit it, a mild shock) to see those spoofs of My Computer templates. apparently it's becoming such a common problem for innocent people who just wanna read manga every once in a while. >:P

http://www.tdaxp.com/archive/2009/02/06/malware-on-reuters-website.html  has a more accurate description of this problem than i do.

i am seriously annoyed with these "free pc virus scans." blech.

adobe flash player...

now i have just totally rebooted my computer to get rid of a really stupid virus that kept getting worse as time passed. i had to use a operating system disk to do it and all my files were copied onto a different hard drive labeled, "to be downloaded later." my dad thinks that this virus came because some really smart person hacked our computer randomly.

but i know the real reason why.

every day i would read manga on a manga scanlation website and every once in a while a small virus would pop in. I, being a mild computer geek, was perfectly capable of deleting those viruses as soon as they invaded but the virus that invaded this time was a really powerful virus that multiplied every hour.

reason why it got so bad? i was at school and my brother caused the virus while he was sick at home reading manga. (he doesnt know how to get rid of viruses)

so now on my new computer, i cant do anything except go online to websites that do not require adobe flash player to operate. i cant play games on the websites though since they need adobe flash player to load. i cannot go on youtube since it needs adobe flash player to play the videos. and the best thing i can do on this computer is read manga online, which i have decided i will never do again since it started this mess.

its really hard to accept i will never read manga online ever again while i have no malware protector.

normally, i didnt HAVE a malware protector, since getting rid of viruses werent that hard, but now that i find something like this, ive decided i should get one since it wouldnt waste my time cuz it gets rid of viruses itself.

oh, and because of this virus, i had to write an email asking my science teacher if i could turn in a really important lab report 2 days late. fortunately, the mood swinging teacher didnt yell at me or anything since i told her beforehand. she was all, "the ONLY reason im letting u turn this in late is because you told me over the email and didnt tell me a sob story as soon as you entered class."

the due date was last tuesday, i turned it in last thursday. so whoopee.

*sniff* no adobe flash player...

quartet + 1 bass

so today was our last quintet practicing day for the volunteer tea party, and I AM SO EXCITED!!

we get to play like 5 pieces for parent volunteers during a tea party, and at first i was disappointed that it was only for parent VOLUNTEERS but it turns out my mom was invited via email so i guess im gonna have to perform in front of her too.

its on monday and i was so hoping that we would miss one of our core classes doing this thing for 30 minutes but turns out we're just gonna miss our orchestra period. D:<

and we're only gonna perform and we dont get any tea. :(( and tea parties usually come with cakes and tarts and if they serve them right in front of our faces i swear im gonna just get up, snatch a cake, and stuff myself.

my mom was all pumped up for this and she was all, "YES! i finally get to see you in one of these!!" i would bet five fingers that shes gonna take a video of this and send it to my grandma. which is ironic, because my grandma thought i should just quit instruments at the high school level. reason being, there are no high school orchestras in South Korea.

but its okay since there are such things as high school orchestras in America. :)

its okay sam i got over the "my finger doesnt grow when i play violin" thing. ive decided i wont care about how short my fingers are anymore...unless of course they happen to be the reason why i cant reach the next 2-4 double stop. TT_TT

...but im not gonna audition for AYPO this year cuz i feel like im gonna end up in the lowest orchestra (CO)since im a AYPO noob...

so hot. so sexy. so...incredible! /shot

yo so my cousin is a really good singer and dancer. hes only 2 years older than i am he used to live in New Jersey but he moved to Korea and got tied in first place in his school competition for breakdancing in Seoul International School.

and since a bunch of people took videos of him dancing and singing, Superstar K (which is like a talent show for Koreans who want to become a star) recruited him and asked him to sign up over the phone into the show.

I WISH I COULD SING AND DANCE!! Dx

he really loves the arts like me but he's so smart, he and his family thinks it's kind of a waste to see all that smartness go to waste so he's not really sure what kind of college he should go to at the moment. but all i know is that he's coming to America for college and every spring break since the dorms are closed over vacations he's coming over to our house!

well to tell u the truth he doesn't really have anywhere else to go since we're his only relatives in America.

since he used to live in NJ we've met his family before lots of times and his family is so AWESOME. his mom (my aunt) is like almost the complete tougher version of my mom since she takes care of two sons. she is SO funny in a Korean way and them together could make me laugh for like 30 minutes straight.

the younger son, who's a year older than my brother, is like the funniest actor i've ever seen. he and my brother are like so tight and one time when our families were walking down the streets of Korea he and my brother were pulling up their jersey shorts so it looked like they were wearing underwear. it totally cracked me up and they got stared at by high school girls who probably thought they were mentally retarded.

the older cousin used to be my favorite big guy who would always play with me since birth and let me listen to his ipod. then when he was going through puberty he was so distant and boring and watching Korean game shows all by himself in his laptop.

unfortunately, the last time he visited our house before going to Korea i was at a winter retreat. my mom says i missed out on a lot because apparently he was really really fun with the guys and my little sister that time.

i admire him so much and my aunt and my mom both say we're like brother and sister since we looked so alike when we were young and we share the same interests now. to tell u the truth, im looking forward to seeing him again in 2 years!

but poor me, if we ever move to Korea i won't be able to go to Seoul International School for people who've recently arrived from America (most of them are twinkies) cuz scholarship is expensive...

i didnt get into TJ...

nuff said.

dear jenny...

so u guys have a "youth council" huh? all we have is just "officers." too bad i was too wimpy and shy to try to become a youth group officer.
i guess its okay since im actually a work-behind-the-scenes kind of person, u know what i mean?

newcomers huh..
u know u actually have like a really REALLY important job right? ive been a newcomer to different churches so many times now i think i know what newcomers look for in a church.
i dont think they expect a church to have people that suddenly come up to them and talk like theyre friends if it wasnt the friends that brought them
but if u do help them and talk like theyre ur REAL friends then they would probably like the church a lot more for being so...unified i guess?
first impressions do really make a big impact on how much the newcomers might like the church and i think newcomers should have a good start to their new church brothers and sisters.

idk im giving u so much advice but u probably dont need it...i just know as a behind the scenes person that when i go up to new people when they dont have any friends they really do appreciate it when a normal person talks to them and treats them like a long lost friend. just a thought.

ive never had a decorated locker before...
last year, my friends decorated my locker after school the day before my birthday but the custodian cleaned it up overnight so i saw nothing when i looked at my locker.
when i got to my locker and saw nothing that day i literally burst into tears :'(
my friends told me they DID decorate my locker but i never got to see it...but im glad they took the time to decorate it anyway :)
and this year...i guess nobody knew it was my birthday but when they found out it was too late cuz my bdays in the beginning of the school year (october) and i cant make friends that fast.
so i will never know the middle school happiness of a decorated locker TT^TT but im jk that im sad...maybe i was let down then but now i just regret not being able to see it thats all.

so im so glad ur friend has so many awesome friends like you that decorate her locker so much :) she must be very fortunate to have friends that care so much for her
and im so glad that one of her awesome friends is mine too <3

people think i sound suicidal and depressed if i say good bye at the end of a long letter. i have no idea why though? :/

I LOVE YOU TOO SISTAH <33 good bye...

11, 11, 11, FIFTY, FIFTY, 11...

........and today we had an early dismissal day where we got out of school before noon and (excluding lunch period) each of our classes were 11 minutes long.

except for 4th period.

have i mentioned how much i hate my 4th period class? actually it's not the subject i hate; it's the TEACHER; and i have never mentioned HER before, have i? well there is this old granny who has i think 2 daughters who are in college and dyed her hair recently from her granny gray and white to brown. and for a granny she has a damn loud voice (and she suffers from 50~70 year old obesity). what's worse, she thinks she has a sense of humor sometimes but she honestly doesn't. and if one person forgets one thing and she's already in a bad mood, she would be like, "okay, step outside please?!"

aside from the fact that the person is also capable of blame (since they forgot it in the first place), it would also mean she will be in such a bad mood that she practically yells so loud you can hear it down two hallways (is what my friend says) and in the nearest bathroom.

poor kid.

but today, God has granted us 4th period science-ers a miracle; that heinous teacher was not present at 4th period today. (who knows what would have happened if she was, since we had to have that period for an hour.)

and we went home right after we ate lunch since i have the last lunch out of all three lunches :D (btw i finally ate something during lunch.)

my blogs are tending to get shorter and shorter because now i have less and less to rant about.

i am not worth my skill.

"Air" by Bach is now the bane of my existence.
as is with "Concerto No. 3" by Mozart which is what i am planning to use to audition for aypo.

and because this is my first time aypo auditioning i am considered a noob and must start from CO or SE since a good friend of mine named aria is so discouraging me by telling me that it is virtually and literally impossible for me to make it into SO with my pitifully depressing skills. it's okay aria; you are not worth my hit list. :P

Happy Birthday Brother.

what i wrote on his facebook wall:

david altho i may not look like it i am actually excited that its ur birthday. have a lovely birthday brother and continue to grow to be the big boy God and i want you to be. may you be blessed with another year to live and be happy!! :D

p.s. if u have any leftover brownies I WANT EM!! hahaha jkjk.


he has a total of 12 birthday greetings on his facebook wall (including this one guy who said it twice.)

muhammad or mohammad?

today i had the biggest fright ive ever had in the last 2 months.

so it was a pretty normal day, right? (except our bus crashed into the mirror of a truck) and we were just going home from school now and as i took my normal route home i just happened to hear a baby's bawling from one of the houses i was passing by. since i was naturally sound-honed i looked toward that direction and i saw a giant portrait painting of a person, propped up against the window so the indian in the portrait was facing whoever was passing by.

i could literally hear a "dun dun duuuuuuun" in the distance.

im sorry, i just dont get why an indian person would have a portrait of ANYONE propped up against a window. i just feel like it goes against all privacy and the feeling of security from people who stare at you. but no, now i have to GET to my bus stop thinking about that really scary face with the fuzzy beard, turban, and bushy brows. and back.

the first thing i thought when i saw that face could have ranged from "what the--" to "EHMAGAWD!!" to "i wonder whats for dinner today." but i, being a rational person and a critique of everyday life, was thinking, "dude. its facing outwards." seriously. a picture of an indian dude in a turban staring out at you while you're walking home from school? (i have nothing against indians but this is going too far.)

so thanks to some odd person who thinks its funny or otherwise normal to have a picture of her idol staring out at pedestrian passerby, i now have to pass by a fuzzy faced indian guy to get to my bus stop.

oxy means sharp, moron means dull XD

and now i shall list my favorite oxymorons.

accurate horoscope
dept. of interior (since theyre actually responsible for everything OUTside)
act naturally
loners club
political promise
clean air XD
big sip
silent women hahahaha
barely dressed
green oranges
advanced beginner (there are a lot of instrumental learning books like this)
almost never
educational TV
genuine imitation
perfect idiot
limited nuclear war
customer service
bigger half
greater evil
anarchy rules
floppy disk
false hope
army intelligence
blind eye
doing nothing
autopilot


im never gonna be finished with this list. i love oxymorons.

10 topics...aah wtf.

ehehehe. i've noticed i havent been blogging, even though my good friend sam asked me at least twice a week if i was still blogging, in which i say no, feel sorry for 5 seconds, then leave for lunch where i shall starve myself by eating nothing and doing homework.

yes, i feel like a loser. thanks for rubbing it in.

i have almost nothing to talk about so i'll just post what i said when my good english teacher gave us a couple of assignments telling us to choose our "top 10"s or whatever. here's one of them. to tell u the truth, they were actually quite fun.

10 topics i could write a five paragraph essay about:

1. how people handle death
2. why people deny truth
3. why i hate public speaking
4. how asians and americans differ
5. what i would rather be doing
6. the meaning(less) of cursive lettering
7. pros and cons of each core subject
8. why i should stop trying to get called on
9. why students shouldnt give up trying to get the teacher to call on them when they raise their hand
10. teachers should call on every person who has a question or something they want to contribute to the class.

i am quite proud of my list, btw.

the last three topics are probably all based on the same thing.. nvm, they ARE all based on the same thing. english teachers, for some reason, have been ignoring my raised hand for more than 2 years now. is it because my hands are ridiculously small and miniscule that the teachers cannot see my hand? wait that doesnt make sense cuz they should at least see my arm..

i swear every time im the only person raising my hand when my english teacher asks a question she looks round the room, glances at my hand, then suddenly turns her head to the other direction and says, "NOBODY has an answer?" while i'm in the corner, going, "hel-LO!! im right here!!"

like what the freaking heck.

teachers should stop being biased or ignoring. case in point, my current situation. but it seems like the only bias teachers i know are english teachers. is it cuz im asian that i have nothing important to say during english class? i DO raise my hand. very high. and the asian remark doesnt really prove anything cuz she still calls on this other asian guy who happens to be her favorite asian male student.

her favorite student is hannah north since shes way smart in every core subject a middle school can throw at her. english, civics, science, (shes not in my math class), she always did more research than the actual curriculum so she always has something major smart and important to say. shes like smart AND pretty right?

whearas i am the smart looking one who is actually pretty stupid. dont contradict me.

actually there WAS a time when in elementary school i was always the favorite, the role model. although my grades were not the anticipated straight As, the teachers have always thought of me as refreshing and bright, always striving to impress, and brimming with innocence. i was the pure, sweet girl who probably made the most mistakes in the class. probably why i was so easy to love. back then, at least. but now..

am i innocent? no. bright? no. pure? no. sweet? no. refreshing? no. likeable? maybe if u break through my walls.

but the only factor that has always remained the same was that i make a LOT of mistakes. despite my careful personality i always tend to be the stupid one who makes the mistakes. but im not like 6 anymore. mistakes arent cute now.

dont give me the "its ok nobodys perfect" shit. i can tell u firsthand that people still expect perfect personalities.

i have a violin complex now. oh woe is me.

unfortunately, i have learned this pitiful day that my fingers will not get any longer even though i play violin. i only play violin for the sake of growing my fingers. shocked, were you?

yep, this was essentially the only reason i ever played violin, and the only reason i practice for so long every day is for my fingers to grow in length as much as they can. you see, my hand is pitifully small.

i could say that i never had any interest in music, but i do like music, it's just that i've only played violin just for the sake of growing my fingers, not to make music. do u think if i actually wanted to play violin for the sake of making music i would have played instruments better and learned at a much faster rate?

Animosity

"if i had a gun on me, i would shoot you right now."

thats what an obese ginger bitch said to my best friend during recess sometime in 2008.

i couldnt believe she said that to the only guy in the whole class who wanted to be with her. no matter how mean she was to him, no matter how many dark hints she gave to the guy, he would swallow any hard feelings and open his heart more.

but she had crossed the line.

i lost my temper and shouted in her face about what an ungrateful, selfish person she was for saying that to my friend, who was doing all he could to change her from a temperamental girl with no friends to a more open hearted girl who could accept that people are different.

it was only until my friend grabbed my arm that i stopped. he looked imploringly at me. some of my classmates looked terrified, since all this time they thought i was an innocent girl who was the calming person in the class. and then the teachers saw me, and i was so embarrassed i started crying.

i was angry, the class was horrified that i screamed, the teachers were disappointed, and she was sent to the principal. but i doubt she cared, since she went to the principal's room every other week.



(i wrote this in a journal when i was 9.)

what happened to all the snow...

hey, grammar nazi. if you're reading this, i suggest you turn your computer off before u commit suicide cuz of my grammar issues.

i'm so damn bored in 3rd period these days. i'm not doing shit; sitting in my seat listening to adolescent instrument players while doing my science homework doesn't count as time used wisely. it just sucks.

the seating auditions are over, and i'm kinda relieved cuz the whole listen-to-other-people-rocking-the-auditions-while-sitting-in-my-seat-doing-nothing was nowhere near what you can call educational. since i haven't auditioned yet, i'm sitting in the back now, just getting used to the different sound the orchestra has when i sit between the second violins and the violas.

kayla was doing that suck up pity thing to me when she said, "oh i bet ur gonna bump us all back when ur done with ur audition." no, there was no sarcasm. she's a nice kid, but u know when people start giving you hugs and kisses u just feel worse.

i don't even know what i'm talking about anymore.

so this crappy soft half inch layer of snow only gave us a two hour delay. big deal. i had to do my science vocabulary homework in orchestra today in total panic, but when i got to science the teacher said the homework wasn't due today since she didn't have enough time to check it. i was lucky, since i didn't really finish it.

or i was unlucky, since i wasted time panicking.

i hate my english group. we're so unorganized since some people keep forgetting what they're supposed to do, like pick up the papers, write down our group scores, etc. so we're not getting the points we're supposed to be earning and as a result, no tiny blue test bonus cards.

and i was really wondering if what my brother says is true and mark zuckerburg is really getting arrested and facebook is closing down or if that's just a rumor. *shrug*

it wouldn't matter either way, except we would have to go back to that old fashioned twitter thing. >.<

a new year, huh... -_-

so happy new year!

sure, it's a holiday. everybody watched the 2011 ball drop and stayed up late so they could witness midnight new years.

i, however, started the year with an overnight church celebration. i received the letters to myself that i wrote last year and wrote a new letter to my one year older future self. :D

my new year's resolution is: no more cursing. (blogging doesn't count) btw, i am seriously doubting whether i can hold this resolution. maybe i should stay saying things like "frickin" or "crap" or stuff like that :/ something easier would have been "read every day."

i went to the surgeon's office today at like 9:45 AM and i think the specialist said that i only had two or four weeks (whichever) left until i can finally get the frickin cast off. then she'll take the pins out and leave my little finger to fend for itself.

and then after she takes them out, i still have a WEEK before i can flex my finger properly. and then after THAT, it'll take ANOTHER week to get all my skills back like my typing, piano, violin, punching, stretching, etc. what a jolly January this is going to be.

actually, if you think about it, it's not THAT long. i mean, four weeks out of the thousand that i'm probably gonna live? but hey, when you're in middle school, EVERYTHING takes forever.

they stretched my finger into a straighter position and bound only my broken finger to my hand, so now i have four free fingers. i think i can play violin now, but it'll be kinda hard for me to play violin with only three fingers and not use my pinky out of habit.

again, happy new year and hope that i will never have the urge to curse. too much.