Suicide lament....NOT

These days I have just been complaining and complaining and cursing about all the things my dear old mum has been doing to me. Sure, my friends listen, but I really needed to let off some real steam.

My parents recently got me a laptop. I'm so excited and everything but at the same time it's all just so ANNOYING how I'm a pastor's kid and my parents care too much about the STUPIDEST THINGS (have you read the other blog post about that?) They decided, even though that this laptop is going to be for my personal use, I am not allowed to take my OWN laptop to my OWN room. What's worse, it's not even my room. I share it with my sister. (There's no use whining about that, though, since we only have 3 bedrooms and my other sibling is a male)

My dad thinks it's pointless to compare myself to others, and sometimes it's true, but for this one I really need to bring something to attention. EVERY PERSON WHO IS NOT ME THAT HAS A LAPTOP HAS IT IN. THEIR. ROOM. Every person being my friends, most people online, and most people with a webcam that could just as easily do some video chatting.

On the other fucking hand, I am using my "personal" laptop in the living room. I have a built in webcam, but I'm not even allowed to go on my video chatting sites without asking my parents. And even if they give me PeRmIsSiOn to talk to my friends face to face, it's so embarrassing how I have to do it in the living room. I don't even have headphones!! I'm talking to my friends in plain hearing range and my parents can hear my friends talking as well.

Also, just now I've been chatting on my email account with my friends and all my mom has been doing for the last 20 minutes is SLEEP RIGHT BEHIND ME. My laptop is connected to the wall so I can't move, and I just can't open the video chatting window. When I finally bring the idea of me video chatting up to my mom, she IMMEDIATELY starts talking half drowsily about how I'm being so lazy, thinking that finishing my textbook notes which are like 10 pages long is not sufficient enough reason for me to actually get to have my ass on a floor with my laptop in a private space so I can talk to my friends.

She just keeps talking on and on about how I don't play my violin as much as I do my homework. Well, duh, mom, who in high school has the time to play the violin after, like, 5~6 hours of homework? And you tell me to go to sleep early!

Once again, I am defending my mom and saying that she is not altogether a bad person, it's just she can't stop her mouth from running, and I have not actually gotten up and talked to her about how annoying she is when she's nagging me. Who would? I'm not that rude to my mom. Goes to show, doesn't it, when I'm letting off so much steam HERE than I am facing my own problems?

My arms and fingers hurt, I've been typing furiously and obnoxiously loudly for about 10 minutes now. And I've just been thinking, what if I actually DID get hurt? What if I came so close to death because of an attempted suicide and I left behind a note explaining exactly why I commited suicide? All for making a better world for my brother and sister, a world without running mouths and allowed complete privacy. Oh yeah, and for parental awareness of how much hard work I DO go through without them knowing. All the little things I did for them to make sure they weren't annoyed by my siblings, how much I had to keep them safe in the house while they were out, cleaning the house about every day so not too many toys were on the ground.

All those things would suddenly pop out at them once I disappeared, and they would suddenly realize the significance of my existence and how much more they owe me than they think. I'm not ungrateful, but I do wish they would be grateful of ME and let me have more freedom to decide some things on my own.

Hell, no, it would suck to die for real. But it just soothes me sometimes, thinking about how much my parents don't know, but I wish they would at least fucking TRUST me not to do anything bad on this laptop, like watch porn or something. For heaven's sake, I'm not a perverted male figure.

I don't want to die. But sometimes I wish there was something as effective to my parents as death that would make them feel SO. FUCKING. SORRY. for some things. I sound like an emotional sadist or something.