DAMN mom and DAMN her annoying bitching.

I don't care that much if she's going to pry into my life and make a few comments about it, but I DO care that she's trying to make me go her way just by yelling at me.

I don't care if she's going to complain about me not practicing everything, but if she thinks I'm going to do what she says just because she says to do it, BITCH you are WRONG.

I don't even feel guilty about calling her a bitch either. I guess I really am a bad girl.

BITCH.

Unnoticeable Guilt and Weeping

Shit, man. Shit shit shit.

I pray to God and I practice for EVER and try to get myself optimistic for this big audition and what happens during the damn event?!

FUCK. Fuck everything. Fuck the auditioner, fuck my brain, fuck my lame scaredy cat inside, fuck my brain to body coordination, and SCREW YOU FAT MANILA FOLDERS!!

I am in the preparation room, this giant cafeteria at the school to get ready for my audition. Right about now they were on number twenty something and I had come in late so I was, what, #107? At first I kept myself optimistic and decided that it was a good thing that I was waiting this long, because I could get a little more practice in. So, I practiced my scales, my exerpts, and a little of my etudes to warm up my fingers so I could get ready.

At this point I was feeling pretty good about myself, and I let a little bit of my pride slide into my thinking process: "Compared to everybody else in this section of the cafeteria, DAMN I am good."

And I knew the real reason why I wanted to get in a good chair. It wasn't for self satisfaction or the satisfaction of my relatives. Sometimes I would remember my true goal and smile to myself, thinking that maybe he would finally know that it was true that I asked the orchestra teacher to put me in the second violins... I wanted to prove myself to somebody.

And so the pattern ensued during my practicing in the cafeteria. Practicing, resting, listening to ipod, practicing again. I tried to perfect every mistake and I let myself be a little smug to keep my optimism up. Every time somebody else messed up on a particular section, I would play it to make sure I didn't have any mistakes and to make sure they got the point: there's a better person than you.

My mom says that while it is bad to have false pride, a little amount of prideful optimism could help you in a performance or an audition. "Imma ace this" was what I said in my head constantly to myself, and I admit, although I'm feeling guilty about my bursts of pride and smugness, it felt pretty good at the time.

But good GOD. When I went into the audition room, even when the teacher's tone of voice was extremely bored and annoyed, I wasn't even nervous or anything. My optimism was still there. I thought nothing could stop me mentally, until I started my scales.

I was doing exactly as I had practiced, and I added a bit of flair to some of the higher notes to make it seem like a more stylistic scale, but right SMACK in the middle of my second scale the auditioner frickin DROPPED A PILE OF MANLIA YELLOW FOLDERS ON THE FLOOR DURING MY AUDITION AND I JUST STOPPED COMPLETELY.

Holy SHIT that should NOT have gone against me that much. I stopped and said without thinking because I was really worried, "Are you okay?"

The auditioner replied in an annoyed to hell voice "Please don't talk."

Add THAT to my list of reasons why I HATE redneck teachers.

And my scores...my damn scores...everything else was okay...I got higher results in my excerpt than most of the people above me, and STILL that damn scale totally flipped me off and now I'm in an extremely bad chair for my standards and my goal. Roughly, somebody who sat there would have the same amount of skill as the last chair in my orchestra. Now he'd think he KNOWS that I belong in that chair.

It's not fair, he was 2nd chair 1st violin when he auditioned for Districts. I knew I was capable of doing that if I practiced really hard, but now I've ended up failing everybody before me. The three violins that made all the high chairs before I did who were from my middle school, and I just broke the chain of pro violinists. What if even the teacher starts to compare me to them?

But what the hell am I thinking, I wasn't even in the highest orchestra in my 7th grade year in middle school, I'm not even on the same scale as them, and I know I shouldn't challenge myself with people so good at what I thought I was good at. I'm just a tiny piece of hay in a field of nails.

I bet they don't even know I'm from the same school as them. Why do I try so hard and overthink these things so much? Now I'm just pissed because of the teacher and I think now I'm just wailing for disappointing myself. I don't think I want to go to their practices anymore.

People who say I'm really good at violin don't have any meaning. I want somebody a lot better than me to compliment me. Then I'll know it's genuine and not just admiring. They'd be able to see that I stood out.

Or maybe I'm just not cut out to be a violinist anymore, and I should go find some other profession in the future. Does this make me a quitter? I don't even know. I'm stressed about things most people wouldn't care about. I just wanted to prove myself to the people who got higher achievements than me. Now who would I make an impression on in my freshman year with this stupid shit of a chair?

Suicide lament....NOT

These days I have just been complaining and complaining and cursing about all the things my dear old mum has been doing to me. Sure, my friends listen, but I really needed to let off some real steam.

My parents recently got me a laptop. I'm so excited and everything but at the same time it's all just so ANNOYING how I'm a pastor's kid and my parents care too much about the STUPIDEST THINGS (have you read the other blog post about that?) They decided, even though that this laptop is going to be for my personal use, I am not allowed to take my OWN laptop to my OWN room. What's worse, it's not even my room. I share it with my sister. (There's no use whining about that, though, since we only have 3 bedrooms and my other sibling is a male)

My dad thinks it's pointless to compare myself to others, and sometimes it's true, but for this one I really need to bring something to attention. EVERY PERSON WHO IS NOT ME THAT HAS A LAPTOP HAS IT IN. THEIR. ROOM. Every person being my friends, most people online, and most people with a webcam that could just as easily do some video chatting.

On the other fucking hand, I am using my "personal" laptop in the living room. I have a built in webcam, but I'm not even allowed to go on my video chatting sites without asking my parents. And even if they give me PeRmIsSiOn to talk to my friends face to face, it's so embarrassing how I have to do it in the living room. I don't even have headphones!! I'm talking to my friends in plain hearing range and my parents can hear my friends talking as well.

Also, just now I've been chatting on my email account with my friends and all my mom has been doing for the last 20 minutes is SLEEP RIGHT BEHIND ME. My laptop is connected to the wall so I can't move, and I just can't open the video chatting window. When I finally bring the idea of me video chatting up to my mom, she IMMEDIATELY starts talking half drowsily about how I'm being so lazy, thinking that finishing my textbook notes which are like 10 pages long is not sufficient enough reason for me to actually get to have my ass on a floor with my laptop in a private space so I can talk to my friends.

She just keeps talking on and on about how I don't play my violin as much as I do my homework. Well, duh, mom, who in high school has the time to play the violin after, like, 5~6 hours of homework? And you tell me to go to sleep early!

Once again, I am defending my mom and saying that she is not altogether a bad person, it's just she can't stop her mouth from running, and I have not actually gotten up and talked to her about how annoying she is when she's nagging me. Who would? I'm not that rude to my mom. Goes to show, doesn't it, when I'm letting off so much steam HERE than I am facing my own problems?

My arms and fingers hurt, I've been typing furiously and obnoxiously loudly for about 10 minutes now. And I've just been thinking, what if I actually DID get hurt? What if I came so close to death because of an attempted suicide and I left behind a note explaining exactly why I commited suicide? All for making a better world for my brother and sister, a world without running mouths and allowed complete privacy. Oh yeah, and for parental awareness of how much hard work I DO go through without them knowing. All the little things I did for them to make sure they weren't annoyed by my siblings, how much I had to keep them safe in the house while they were out, cleaning the house about every day so not too many toys were on the ground.

All those things would suddenly pop out at them once I disappeared, and they would suddenly realize the significance of my existence and how much more they owe me than they think. I'm not ungrateful, but I do wish they would be grateful of ME and let me have more freedom to decide some things on my own.

Hell, no, it would suck to die for real. But it just soothes me sometimes, thinking about how much my parents don't know, but I wish they would at least fucking TRUST me not to do anything bad on this laptop, like watch porn or something. For heaven's sake, I'm not a perverted male figure.

I don't want to die. But sometimes I wish there was something as effective to my parents as death that would make them feel SO. FUCKING. SORRY. for some things. I sound like an emotional sadist or something.

Living up to unimportant standards and obsessing over certain things

So, it was a nice day today, all the way up til Orchestra.

DAMN the kids who think challenging the freshmen is all right. Bunch of cowardly nags.

Hah, challenges. All these kids behind you challenge you and you pwn them, all these older people who think freshmen are easy bait challenge you. Not your best day, but hey, at least you didn't lose your seat.

I got challenged by two people today, and I kept my seat. There is NO. WAY. I am going to first violin. NEVER. neverevereverever. I like my seat, I like my section, I like my stand partner. LEMME STAY HERE!!

But alas, I am not in the mood for rambling about that. What I'd much rather talk about is something else that's been bothering me for a long time.

The first three chairs in my orchestra are filled with three people who went to my middle school and sat in the front of our middle school orchestra. So goes the legacy of the first chairs:
3 years ago: Senior at TJHSST
2 years ago: Junior at my school
1 year ago: 2 Sophomore rivals at my school
this year: me

The senior is really good, I think he's totally serious about his violin...unless he aims to be an engineer or something (that would be a total waste of talent). I once played as orchestra concertmaster for his duet with this viola senior also in TJ. Nerdy musicians. :D

You know what sucks? I mean, my middle school is known to rival this other school for 1st place every year, but it turns out, most of the people think that my middle school is really good just because of that one junior who went to it. DAMN, she's a total pro and she sits up front, never rivaled, always first chair in our high school orchestra. I heard that she also got first chair in Senior Regionals.

The two sophomores are right up there too, and they've been rivals ever since middle school. The whole orchestra pitts them against each other, even the teacher. Although it's cool to them and everything, they're totally different when it comes to their violins, so I don't think they should be compared. After all, who would pit a guy and a girl against each other? Well, I guess it makes sense, since a lot of love manga that I hear of has something to do with rivals. Hmm...

But although the junior and the sophomores are all the way up in front of the orchestra, there is one complete idiot and loser who managed to fail herself and go all the way to the bottom of the whole freakin orchestra.

Nah, I'm exaggerating about the chairs. I'm actually in the front somewhere in the 2nd violins. But I'm soooo humiliated. Before I came, they were probably all, Look at all those middle school alumnis! They're all the way in the front of the highest orchestra! Look at how well they play! Oh, there's a freshman coming up from the same middle school as them! Watch out for her! She's--oh.

THAT, my friends, is where I fail.

And yeah, some people might say I'm too obsessive or overreacting over this, but I'm just that kind of person when it comes to standards and instruments. I think I'm paranoid when it comes to these things, as well. And I sometimes think there's some special connection between me and somebody else even if we only sat next to each other and shared, like, two words. *hides head in shame*

Oh, well, it's not like I spend my free time typing in a blog instead of talking to my friends, right? Right?

Birthday...Another Day Closer to Death

So, my birthday is coming up in over a week, and I'm not really THAT excited. I mean, one more year towards my driver's license and all (yay!) but my birthdays haven't really been that festive over the years.

I was never one for extravagant birthday parties, for one thing. Don't get me wrong, I love birthday parties, but I never really got the gist of throwing one, except that one I had in 1st grade where I invited my class to a moon bounce place, I forgot what it was called. But we had all these inflated obstacle courses, huge slides, and a giant moon bounce. But other than that, I'd never thrown a REAL birthday party, so I never got much presents. I don't advertise my birthday.

My birthday this year falls on a Sunday, so no chance of getting presents from school friends. Not that I had any real friends yet. Right now, I'm just stuck in my middle school group, where we just huddle together, but I, unlike them, was not the outgoing type so didn't have many friends in middle school anyway. I just knew them, that was all. And they knew me.

I know that a lot of people get these really cool presents from their family on that day, like maybe the boys get a video game, the girls get a new set of makeup or whatever, maybe some of them will get a digital camera. My depressing childhood never got me into any of those things. I never got many presents from my parents, therefore I ended up not wanting many things. I think this is a serious mistake, since now I can't act cute like a girl does to her boyfriend or older brother. No experience.

I'm not ungrateful, though, my parents are pretty nice and stuff. They just never indulge us. Sometimes, I have no idea what they are thinking, raising us up with little to no gifts, never letting us decide for ourselves how long we want to be on the computer, and making us go to sleep early. All the while, they used to talk to us and try to understand us, but lately that's not happening. All three of us are sick of sitting at the kiddy table.

My sister just wants to be treated like a big girl, like most 3rd graders, and my brother is tired of my dad telling him to suck it up and stop crying when he's stressed (my brother is a little on the sensitive side). Of course, he does need to stop crying, but I don't think my dad ever wondered why my brother would cry anyway.

And me? I just want to decide SOME things for myself. My parents make it seem like everything was my choice from the beginning, but they cut down whatever I suggest, once again leading us back to where I don't even ask for anything.

I don't have a depressing childhood, since I'm alive and healthy. I didn't live like Harry Potter, under the influence of two greedy idiots and locked behind bars. I'm not ungrateful, since my parents are so nice about grades. I'd kind of rather have them be strict about my grades, because if they were, they would care less about other things and think that my bedtime was second to finishing my homework.

The birthday presents: my parents think that giving me a present means that I have to pay them back that amount later. They apparently think that a present means getting something earlier than intended. Fine, whatever, I don't care anyway. I'm going to convince myself of this someday. Then I really won't care and I won't every shed these stupid tears again for this trivial an issue.

Friends: I have best friends from other schools, and right now they're kind of my only outlet to the world of people. We're chatting almost every night, and while they listen to me, they can't sympathize with me since they actually DO have parents who give them choices and care more about their grades than their curfew.

The only friend that actually sympathizes with me, doesn't care about our duty as good people, and doesn't listen to whatever curse words I say to it is my violin. Tough life, huh? I think either I don't have a life or violin is just dominating most of the outlets in my life.

I'm getting bad habits of sleeping these days. I'm waking up fretting at night and in the morning my eyes are terribly bloodshot. I'm not stressed or anything yet, though, so my only guess is I was crying in my sleep? I guess I'm a crybaby or something at night, then. I hope I'm not going crazy or breaking down or whatever.

So, as I sit here, in front of a computer with my Word document homework and the Internet up and running on a dank and depressing Saturday night, I'm thinking: maybe at church tomorrow I'll just pray that everything will just pass already. My birthday, Christmas, New Years, school term, everything that is hindering the summer mornings that I used to wake up in.

The inside of a seemingly innocent teen

Gah... I was playing an MMORPG game with my buddies over in Korea when suddenly out of fucking nowhere my mom goes "I think you've played games for too long now! Get off the computer!"

I've only been play for a fucking 30 minutes, what do you think I would accomplish in that little time?!

Although my parents are really nice and stuff, the fact still stands that some things that most kids would be doing is not allowed in our house.

For instance...

We have a strict curfew here. My mom probably doesn't really care about the time, but my dad is so strict about health and things like that. Every time we're doing something at like 9 PM or something, my dad has to remind us that "between 10 PM and 2 AM is when you grow the most." I suppose it's because he was always a bit short, even by asian kids standards. I was so mad that even when I'm in high school, I have a fucking CURFEW. It's so sad I'm gonna dig a hole and just die. Even if we're having a sleepover at our house, our parents still expect us to go to bed before curfew.

Not that we do, but it's still outrageous the way they expect me to follow their instigated curfew. I guess I'm just glad that most of my sleepovers with other kids when I was young was at THEIR house, not mine.

Damn, that isn't even the worst part. Even if I'm saying I'm "studying for my grades" or whatever, if it's past curfew, my dad just blows and tells me to get in bed. Well, if I don't live up to their asian standards, it's THEIR curfew and THEIR fault I'm not doing well.

Besides being asian, I'm also a pastor's kid, so that's probably why they got such a big parent-like syndrome coming on to me.

**OFF TOPIC
Have I ever mentioned that I would like to vlog someday? Like on YouTube or something. That would be cool, except then people would see my face coming out from a sucky camera screen. Maybe I'll wear a muffler or scarf or something to keep my head down. Actually, I'm starting to think it might not really work since I don't have a very emotionally tied face. It's very expressionless. And oh, crap, what if my parents are watching YouTube and they see me on? They'd get so pissed, not mentioning enforcing MORE computer limits. T^T

**BACK
What I don't understand is that my parents are completely okay with me staring at the computer screen for like an hour when it's filled with full word documents. If they even see my mouse TOUCHING the game launcher icon without asking them, they get so pissed you wouldn't believe.

They also put a fucking egg timer on my computer. How lame is that?! They expect me to use it when I'm online or on a MMORPG game, but no way in hell am I gonna use that damn thing.

Geez, if there's one more thing I hate about my parents, it's that whenever my dad feels like watching the TV when I'm playing video games on it, he automatically says something like "I think you should stop playing games now, you're over your time limit."

Of course I'm over my time limit, but the limit was like 2 hours ago. You're telling me to stop NOW? And as soon as I turn off the system, my dad flicks right to the ESPN channel to watch an almost finished tennis game.

Or if he doesn't particularly say that, he says "Why don't you go take a shower now? Think of all the people you met today and all the germs they might have spread on you."

Psh, yeah, right. I've been stuck at home for the last week. I've got nothing against showers and baths, but at the most inconvenient time? Not just that, but I always take a shower after lunch and in the morning. What the fuck are you trying to pull?

Unfortunately, I gave up on arguing with my parents a long time ago, since I'm afraid my online dirty mouth will somehow show an amazing performance in front of my parents. I don't want them to lessen their trust on me. And one thing I'm afraid of the most is that I'll cause my siblings to act like me. Heaven knows we can't have that.

I'm a loser at school, I have bad grades, I keep evil thoughts in my head, I'm rebellious on the inside, and I sure as hell am not good looking. It's probably because of all the scowling I do at home. Yeah, my siblings don't want to be me.

One day, though, when I don't feel obligated to do what my parents say, I'm gonna let 'em have it.

Curfew Break Part 1

I suddenly felt like reaccounting what I half-mentioned one or two posts ago, since I'm really bored and I don't want this memory to go to waste.

So, one stormy night during the retreat a one year younger friend I've known for a long time and I were in our dorm. I had just come out of the shower and she had come in the room after going off and doing something with the other girls that I had missed out on. When she saw me, she said she was STILL bored so she tried to drag me out of the girls' floor and outside where it was raining, but my hair was still wet so I said I'd get there later but she said she'd wait for me, so after about 10 minutes of blow drying my thick, way too healthy hair, I dragged myself down the stairs into the night.

I knew I had an umbrella in my room, but Rachel was too impatient so she dragged me all the way down the hill outside, in the rain, next to the trees. Now I know: lightning + trees = bad, but we wanted to get to the Big House before curfew. My friend speeded through the door first, and when I got to the lobby the first thing I saw was a foot. And it was in my face.

After I picked myself up, a slightly buff normal heighted guy said sorry and continued his taekwondo spar. His opponent was none other than our youth pastor, who used to be a martial arts teacher. I walked over to my friend and sat next to her and looked around. Two guys, four girls, and one youth pastor in total. Apparently the two sparring were showing off, because the rest of us were watching them and letting out occasional "oh my gosh"s and "whoa"s.

So for a count of all people, here's how I'll call them. They're all asian, by the way.

Guy #1 is a moderately tall and thin rising 9th grader who wears glasses and has a record of moving through girls fairly quickly. He is a moderate guy, very funny, quiet on stage, and pretends to be mean at times. Gentle when he wants to be, moderately athletic.

Guy #2 is a rising seventh grader, although his looks and speech quirks tell otherwise. He knows all the middle school guy talk and has already had a voice change. He is as tall as Guy #1, and slightly more muscular (possibly because of his status as a black belt in taekwondo). Big eyes and looks ages younger when smiling. He could go really well with the ladies if he tried, especially older girls. You know that type.

Girl #1 is big faced and has small eyes, nose, and mouth. Rising 8th grader. Resembles pig and is a wannabe everything. Her mosquito voice and the need to say everything that she thinks of is why some people avoid her. She also sometimes likes getting attention through others care.

Girl #2 is my bespectacled friend, a rising 8th grader. There is almost nothing unlikeable about her, except that she can be a little too bossy at times. A normal, outgoing kid who smiles at all the right things and is a terrific jazz and pop singer. Cute at times and knows who to trust and is an outdoorsy person, always on the go.

Girl #3 is a very patient rising 9th grader. who can stand even Girl #1. She gets along with guys and girls alike and is very cute. She knows how to gossip but never does, and teases guys all the time. Loves what any normal girl loves: shopping, younger guys, highlighted hair, joking with guys. Knows all the right things to say and easy to get along with. Takes kumdo (which might be the source of her patience).

Girl #4 is me.

After our pastor finished sparring with Guy #2, the kid suggested that they have a rematch with a sprint race, roughly 30~40 meters from the end of the hall to the door. Girl #3 acted as the finish line and stretched her arms out to make a T, and the results kept saying it's a tie. Guy #1 wanted to race Guy #2 and Guy #2 won by half a second, but Guy #1 insisted that the double glass door being closed made him slow down, so we opened the doors so it was fair. However, in the rematch Guy #1 promptly crashed into the wall next to the doors. All of us started laughing and I went to help him up, and as he got up, he was laughing and red in the face.

We decided to go into the auditorium since it was a bit chilly and we didn't want to crash into any more walls.