So, my birthday is coming up in over a week, and I'm not really THAT excited. I mean, one more year towards my driver's license and all (yay!) but my birthdays haven't really been that festive over the years.
I was never one for extravagant birthday parties, for one thing. Don't get me wrong, I love birthday parties, but I never really got the gist of throwing one, except that one I had in 1st grade where I invited my class to a moon bounce place, I forgot what it was called. But we had all these inflated obstacle courses, huge slides, and a giant moon bounce. But other than that, I'd never thrown a REAL birthday party, so I never got much presents. I don't advertise my birthday.
My birthday this year falls on a Sunday, so no chance of getting presents from school friends. Not that I had any real friends yet. Right now, I'm just stuck in my middle school group, where we just huddle together, but I, unlike them, was not the outgoing type so didn't have many friends in middle school anyway. I just knew them, that was all. And they knew me.
I know that a lot of people get these really cool presents from their family on that day, like maybe the boys get a video game, the girls get a new set of makeup or whatever, maybe some of them will get a digital camera. My depressing childhood never got me into any of those things. I never got many presents from my parents, therefore I ended up not wanting many things. I think this is a serious mistake, since now I can't act cute like a girl does to her boyfriend or older brother. No experience.
I'm not ungrateful, though, my parents are pretty nice and stuff. They just never indulge us. Sometimes, I have no idea what they are thinking, raising us up with little to no gifts, never letting us decide for ourselves how long we want to be on the computer, and making us go to sleep early. All the while, they used to talk to us and try to understand us, but lately that's not happening. All three of us are sick of sitting at the kiddy table.
My sister just wants to be treated like a big girl, like most 3rd graders, and my brother is tired of my dad telling him to suck it up and stop crying when he's stressed (my brother is a little on the sensitive side). Of course, he does need to stop crying, but I don't think my dad ever wondered why my brother would cry anyway.
And me? I just want to decide SOME things for myself. My parents make it seem like everything was my choice from the beginning, but they cut down whatever I suggest, once again leading us back to where I don't even ask for anything.
I don't have a depressing childhood, since I'm alive and healthy. I didn't live like Harry Potter, under the influence of two greedy idiots and locked behind bars. I'm not ungrateful, since my parents are so nice about grades. I'd kind of rather have them be strict about my grades, because if they were, they would care less about other things and think that my bedtime was second to finishing my homework.
The birthday presents: my parents think that giving me a present means that I have to pay them back that amount later. They apparently think that a present means getting something earlier than intended. Fine, whatever, I don't care anyway. I'm going to convince myself of this someday. Then I really won't care and I won't every shed these stupid tears again for this trivial an issue.
Friends: I have best friends from other schools, and right now they're kind of my only outlet to the world of people. We're chatting almost every night, and while they listen to me, they can't sympathize with me since they actually DO have parents who give them choices and care more about their grades than their curfew.
The only friend that actually sympathizes with me, doesn't care about our duty as good people, and doesn't listen to whatever curse words I say to it is my violin. Tough life, huh? I think either I don't have a life or violin is just dominating most of the outlets in my life.
I'm getting bad habits of sleeping these days. I'm waking up fretting at night and in the morning my eyes are terribly bloodshot. I'm not stressed or anything yet, though, so my only guess is I was crying in my sleep? I guess I'm a crybaby or something at night, then. I hope I'm not going crazy or breaking down or whatever.
So, as I sit here, in front of a computer with my Word document homework and the Internet up and running on a dank and depressing Saturday night, I'm thinking: maybe at church tomorrow I'll just pray that everything will just pass already. My birthday, Christmas, New Years, school term, everything that is hindering the summer mornings that I used to wake up in.
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