So, it was a nice day today, all the way up til Orchestra.
DAMN the kids who think challenging the freshmen is all right. Bunch of cowardly nags.
Hah, challenges. All these kids behind you challenge you and you pwn them, all these older people who think freshmen are easy bait challenge you. Not your best day, but hey, at least you didn't lose your seat.
I got challenged by two people today, and I kept my seat. There is NO. WAY. I am going to first violin. NEVER. neverevereverever. I like my seat, I like my section, I like my stand partner. LEMME STAY HERE!!
But alas, I am not in the mood for rambling about that. What I'd much rather talk about is something else that's been bothering me for a long time.
The first three chairs in my orchestra are filled with three people who went to my middle school and sat in the front of our middle school orchestra. So goes the legacy of the first chairs:
3 years ago: Senior at TJHSST
2 years ago: Junior at my school
1 year ago: 2 Sophomore rivals at my school
this year: me
The senior is really good, I think he's totally serious about his violin...unless he aims to be an engineer or something (that would be a total waste of talent). I once played as orchestra concertmaster for his duet with this viola senior also in TJ. Nerdy musicians. :D
You know what sucks? I mean, my middle school is known to rival this other school for 1st place every year, but it turns out, most of the people think that my middle school is really good just because of that one junior who went to it. DAMN, she's a total pro and she sits up front, never rivaled, always first chair in our high school orchestra. I heard that she also got first chair in Senior Regionals.
The two sophomores are right up there too, and they've been rivals ever since middle school. The whole orchestra pitts them against each other, even the teacher. Although it's cool to them and everything, they're totally different when it comes to their violins, so I don't think they should be compared. After all, who would pit a guy and a girl against each other? Well, I guess it makes sense, since a lot of love manga that I hear of has something to do with rivals. Hmm...
But although the junior and the sophomores are all the way up in front of the orchestra, there is one complete idiot and loser who managed to fail herself and go all the way to the bottom of the whole freakin orchestra.
Nah, I'm exaggerating about the chairs. I'm actually in the front somewhere in the 2nd violins. But I'm soooo humiliated. Before I came, they were probably all, Look at all those middle school alumnis! They're all the way in the front of the highest orchestra! Look at how well they play! Oh, there's a freshman coming up from the same middle school as them! Watch out for her! She's--oh.
THAT, my friends, is where I fail.
And yeah, some people might say I'm too obsessive or overreacting over this, but I'm just that kind of person when it comes to standards and instruments. I think I'm paranoid when it comes to these things, as well. And I sometimes think there's some special connection between me and somebody else even if we only sat next to each other and shared, like, two words. *hides head in shame*
Oh, well, it's not like I spend my free time typing in a blog instead of talking to my friends, right? Right?
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Birthday...Another Day Closer to Death
So, my birthday is coming up in over a week, and I'm not really THAT excited. I mean, one more year towards my driver's license and all (yay!) but my birthdays haven't really been that festive over the years.
I was never one for extravagant birthday parties, for one thing. Don't get me wrong, I love birthday parties, but I never really got the gist of throwing one, except that one I had in 1st grade where I invited my class to a moon bounce place, I forgot what it was called. But we had all these inflated obstacle courses, huge slides, and a giant moon bounce. But other than that, I'd never thrown a REAL birthday party, so I never got much presents. I don't advertise my birthday.
My birthday this year falls on a Sunday, so no chance of getting presents from school friends. Not that I had any real friends yet. Right now, I'm just stuck in my middle school group, where we just huddle together, but I, unlike them, was not the outgoing type so didn't have many friends in middle school anyway. I just knew them, that was all. And they knew me.
I know that a lot of people get these really cool presents from their family on that day, like maybe the boys get a video game, the girls get a new set of makeup or whatever, maybe some of them will get a digital camera. My depressing childhood never got me into any of those things. I never got many presents from my parents, therefore I ended up not wanting many things. I think this is a serious mistake, since now I can't act cute like a girl does to her boyfriend or older brother. No experience.
I'm not ungrateful, though, my parents are pretty nice and stuff. They just never indulge us. Sometimes, I have no idea what they are thinking, raising us up with little to no gifts, never letting us decide for ourselves how long we want to be on the computer, and making us go to sleep early. All the while, they used to talk to us and try to understand us, but lately that's not happening. All three of us are sick of sitting at the kiddy table.
My sister just wants to be treated like a big girl, like most 3rd graders, and my brother is tired of my dad telling him to suck it up and stop crying when he's stressed (my brother is a little on the sensitive side). Of course, he does need to stop crying, but I don't think my dad ever wondered why my brother would cry anyway.
And me? I just want to decide SOME things for myself. My parents make it seem like everything was my choice from the beginning, but they cut down whatever I suggest, once again leading us back to where I don't even ask for anything.
I don't have a depressing childhood, since I'm alive and healthy. I didn't live like Harry Potter, under the influence of two greedy idiots and locked behind bars. I'm not ungrateful, since my parents are so nice about grades. I'd kind of rather have them be strict about my grades, because if they were, they would care less about other things and think that my bedtime was second to finishing my homework.
The birthday presents: my parents think that giving me a present means that I have to pay them back that amount later. They apparently think that a present means getting something earlier than intended. Fine, whatever, I don't care anyway. I'm going to convince myself of this someday. Then I really won't care and I won't every shed these stupid tears again for this trivial an issue.
Friends: I have best friends from other schools, and right now they're kind of my only outlet to the world of people. We're chatting almost every night, and while they listen to me, they can't sympathize with me since they actually DO have parents who give them choices and care more about their grades than their curfew.
The only friend that actually sympathizes with me, doesn't care about our duty as good people, and doesn't listen to whatever curse words I say to it is my violin. Tough life, huh? I think either I don't have a life or violin is just dominating most of the outlets in my life.
I'm getting bad habits of sleeping these days. I'm waking up fretting at night and in the morning my eyes are terribly bloodshot. I'm not stressed or anything yet, though, so my only guess is I was crying in my sleep? I guess I'm a crybaby or something at night, then. I hope I'm not going crazy or breaking down or whatever.
So, as I sit here, in front of a computer with my Word document homework and the Internet up and running on a dank and depressing Saturday night, I'm thinking: maybe at church tomorrow I'll just pray that everything will just pass already. My birthday, Christmas, New Years, school term, everything that is hindering the summer mornings that I used to wake up in.
I was never one for extravagant birthday parties, for one thing. Don't get me wrong, I love birthday parties, but I never really got the gist of throwing one, except that one I had in 1st grade where I invited my class to a moon bounce place, I forgot what it was called. But we had all these inflated obstacle courses, huge slides, and a giant moon bounce. But other than that, I'd never thrown a REAL birthday party, so I never got much presents. I don't advertise my birthday.
My birthday this year falls on a Sunday, so no chance of getting presents from school friends. Not that I had any real friends yet. Right now, I'm just stuck in my middle school group, where we just huddle together, but I, unlike them, was not the outgoing type so didn't have many friends in middle school anyway. I just knew them, that was all. And they knew me.
I know that a lot of people get these really cool presents from their family on that day, like maybe the boys get a video game, the girls get a new set of makeup or whatever, maybe some of them will get a digital camera. My depressing childhood never got me into any of those things. I never got many presents from my parents, therefore I ended up not wanting many things. I think this is a serious mistake, since now I can't act cute like a girl does to her boyfriend or older brother. No experience.
I'm not ungrateful, though, my parents are pretty nice and stuff. They just never indulge us. Sometimes, I have no idea what they are thinking, raising us up with little to no gifts, never letting us decide for ourselves how long we want to be on the computer, and making us go to sleep early. All the while, they used to talk to us and try to understand us, but lately that's not happening. All three of us are sick of sitting at the kiddy table.
My sister just wants to be treated like a big girl, like most 3rd graders, and my brother is tired of my dad telling him to suck it up and stop crying when he's stressed (my brother is a little on the sensitive side). Of course, he does need to stop crying, but I don't think my dad ever wondered why my brother would cry anyway.
And me? I just want to decide SOME things for myself. My parents make it seem like everything was my choice from the beginning, but they cut down whatever I suggest, once again leading us back to where I don't even ask for anything.
I don't have a depressing childhood, since I'm alive and healthy. I didn't live like Harry Potter, under the influence of two greedy idiots and locked behind bars. I'm not ungrateful, since my parents are so nice about grades. I'd kind of rather have them be strict about my grades, because if they were, they would care less about other things and think that my bedtime was second to finishing my homework.
The birthday presents: my parents think that giving me a present means that I have to pay them back that amount later. They apparently think that a present means getting something earlier than intended. Fine, whatever, I don't care anyway. I'm going to convince myself of this someday. Then I really won't care and I won't every shed these stupid tears again for this trivial an issue.
Friends: I have best friends from other schools, and right now they're kind of my only outlet to the world of people. We're chatting almost every night, and while they listen to me, they can't sympathize with me since they actually DO have parents who give them choices and care more about their grades than their curfew.
The only friend that actually sympathizes with me, doesn't care about our duty as good people, and doesn't listen to whatever curse words I say to it is my violin. Tough life, huh? I think either I don't have a life or violin is just dominating most of the outlets in my life.
I'm getting bad habits of sleeping these days. I'm waking up fretting at night and in the morning my eyes are terribly bloodshot. I'm not stressed or anything yet, though, so my only guess is I was crying in my sleep? I guess I'm a crybaby or something at night, then. I hope I'm not going crazy or breaking down or whatever.
So, as I sit here, in front of a computer with my Word document homework and the Internet up and running on a dank and depressing Saturday night, I'm thinking: maybe at church tomorrow I'll just pray that everything will just pass already. My birthday, Christmas, New Years, school term, everything that is hindering the summer mornings that I used to wake up in.
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