Unnoticeable Guilt and Weeping

Shit, man. Shit shit shit.

I pray to God and I practice for EVER and try to get myself optimistic for this big audition and what happens during the damn event?!

FUCK. Fuck everything. Fuck the auditioner, fuck my brain, fuck my lame scaredy cat inside, fuck my brain to body coordination, and SCREW YOU FAT MANILA FOLDERS!!

I am in the preparation room, this giant cafeteria at the school to get ready for my audition. Right about now they were on number twenty something and I had come in late so I was, what, #107? At first I kept myself optimistic and decided that it was a good thing that I was waiting this long, because I could get a little more practice in. So, I practiced my scales, my exerpts, and a little of my etudes to warm up my fingers so I could get ready.

At this point I was feeling pretty good about myself, and I let a little bit of my pride slide into my thinking process: "Compared to everybody else in this section of the cafeteria, DAMN I am good."

And I knew the real reason why I wanted to get in a good chair. It wasn't for self satisfaction or the satisfaction of my relatives. Sometimes I would remember my true goal and smile to myself, thinking that maybe he would finally know that it was true that I asked the orchestra teacher to put me in the second violins... I wanted to prove myself to somebody.

And so the pattern ensued during my practicing in the cafeteria. Practicing, resting, listening to ipod, practicing again. I tried to perfect every mistake and I let myself be a little smug to keep my optimism up. Every time somebody else messed up on a particular section, I would play it to make sure I didn't have any mistakes and to make sure they got the point: there's a better person than you.

My mom says that while it is bad to have false pride, a little amount of prideful optimism could help you in a performance or an audition. "Imma ace this" was what I said in my head constantly to myself, and I admit, although I'm feeling guilty about my bursts of pride and smugness, it felt pretty good at the time.

But good GOD. When I went into the audition room, even when the teacher's tone of voice was extremely bored and annoyed, I wasn't even nervous or anything. My optimism was still there. I thought nothing could stop me mentally, until I started my scales.

I was doing exactly as I had practiced, and I added a bit of flair to some of the higher notes to make it seem like a more stylistic scale, but right SMACK in the middle of my second scale the auditioner frickin DROPPED A PILE OF MANLIA YELLOW FOLDERS ON THE FLOOR DURING MY AUDITION AND I JUST STOPPED COMPLETELY.

Holy SHIT that should NOT have gone against me that much. I stopped and said without thinking because I was really worried, "Are you okay?"

The auditioner replied in an annoyed to hell voice "Please don't talk."

Add THAT to my list of reasons why I HATE redneck teachers.

And my scores...my damn scores...everything else was okay...I got higher results in my excerpt than most of the people above me, and STILL that damn scale totally flipped me off and now I'm in an extremely bad chair for my standards and my goal. Roughly, somebody who sat there would have the same amount of skill as the last chair in my orchestra. Now he'd think he KNOWS that I belong in that chair.

It's not fair, he was 2nd chair 1st violin when he auditioned for Districts. I knew I was capable of doing that if I practiced really hard, but now I've ended up failing everybody before me. The three violins that made all the high chairs before I did who were from my middle school, and I just broke the chain of pro violinists. What if even the teacher starts to compare me to them?

But what the hell am I thinking, I wasn't even in the highest orchestra in my 7th grade year in middle school, I'm not even on the same scale as them, and I know I shouldn't challenge myself with people so good at what I thought I was good at. I'm just a tiny piece of hay in a field of nails.

I bet they don't even know I'm from the same school as them. Why do I try so hard and overthink these things so much? Now I'm just pissed because of the teacher and I think now I'm just wailing for disappointing myself. I don't think I want to go to their practices anymore.

People who say I'm really good at violin don't have any meaning. I want somebody a lot better than me to compliment me. Then I'll know it's genuine and not just admiring. They'd be able to see that I stood out.

Or maybe I'm just not cut out to be a violinist anymore, and I should go find some other profession in the future. Does this make me a quitter? I don't even know. I'm stressed about things most people wouldn't care about. I just wanted to prove myself to the people who got higher achievements than me. Now who would I make an impression on in my freshman year with this stupid shit of a chair?

Suicide lament....NOT

These days I have just been complaining and complaining and cursing about all the things my dear old mum has been doing to me. Sure, my friends listen, but I really needed to let off some real steam.

My parents recently got me a laptop. I'm so excited and everything but at the same time it's all just so ANNOYING how I'm a pastor's kid and my parents care too much about the STUPIDEST THINGS (have you read the other blog post about that?) They decided, even though that this laptop is going to be for my personal use, I am not allowed to take my OWN laptop to my OWN room. What's worse, it's not even my room. I share it with my sister. (There's no use whining about that, though, since we only have 3 bedrooms and my other sibling is a male)

My dad thinks it's pointless to compare myself to others, and sometimes it's true, but for this one I really need to bring something to attention. EVERY PERSON WHO IS NOT ME THAT HAS A LAPTOP HAS IT IN. THEIR. ROOM. Every person being my friends, most people online, and most people with a webcam that could just as easily do some video chatting.

On the other fucking hand, I am using my "personal" laptop in the living room. I have a built in webcam, but I'm not even allowed to go on my video chatting sites without asking my parents. And even if they give me PeRmIsSiOn to talk to my friends face to face, it's so embarrassing how I have to do it in the living room. I don't even have headphones!! I'm talking to my friends in plain hearing range and my parents can hear my friends talking as well.

Also, just now I've been chatting on my email account with my friends and all my mom has been doing for the last 20 minutes is SLEEP RIGHT BEHIND ME. My laptop is connected to the wall so I can't move, and I just can't open the video chatting window. When I finally bring the idea of me video chatting up to my mom, she IMMEDIATELY starts talking half drowsily about how I'm being so lazy, thinking that finishing my textbook notes which are like 10 pages long is not sufficient enough reason for me to actually get to have my ass on a floor with my laptop in a private space so I can talk to my friends.

She just keeps talking on and on about how I don't play my violin as much as I do my homework. Well, duh, mom, who in high school has the time to play the violin after, like, 5~6 hours of homework? And you tell me to go to sleep early!

Once again, I am defending my mom and saying that she is not altogether a bad person, it's just she can't stop her mouth from running, and I have not actually gotten up and talked to her about how annoying she is when she's nagging me. Who would? I'm not that rude to my mom. Goes to show, doesn't it, when I'm letting off so much steam HERE than I am facing my own problems?

My arms and fingers hurt, I've been typing furiously and obnoxiously loudly for about 10 minutes now. And I've just been thinking, what if I actually DID get hurt? What if I came so close to death because of an attempted suicide and I left behind a note explaining exactly why I commited suicide? All for making a better world for my brother and sister, a world without running mouths and allowed complete privacy. Oh yeah, and for parental awareness of how much hard work I DO go through without them knowing. All the little things I did for them to make sure they weren't annoyed by my siblings, how much I had to keep them safe in the house while they were out, cleaning the house about every day so not too many toys were on the ground.

All those things would suddenly pop out at them once I disappeared, and they would suddenly realize the significance of my existence and how much more they owe me than they think. I'm not ungrateful, but I do wish they would be grateful of ME and let me have more freedom to decide some things on my own.

Hell, no, it would suck to die for real. But it just soothes me sometimes, thinking about how much my parents don't know, but I wish they would at least fucking TRUST me not to do anything bad on this laptop, like watch porn or something. For heaven's sake, I'm not a perverted male figure.

I don't want to die. But sometimes I wish there was something as effective to my parents as death that would make them feel SO. FUCKING. SORRY. for some things. I sound like an emotional sadist or something.